Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

There is NO excuse for leaving a long, unflushable turd in the Men’s Bathroom, Hallway B, Second Floor.  Whomever did this — and it may be multiple people, for all I know — I’m sure you’re reading this and I can tell you — all of you, as the case may be — that you will be BROUGHT TO JUSTICE.

GWiMMRN:

A)  The guy in the subway who was wearing a blue and white checkered button-down shirt.  What, are you on some fucking BOATING trip? 

B)  The woman on the bus who starts trying to walk — rather, stumble — to the door before the bus has come to a complete stop, and she was knocking into people, like me.

C)  My evolving stances.

D)  That post-it note that someone thought was part of the graphic novel but wasn’t.  I remember it.  Do you?

E)  Gruntable farts.

F)  Deroy Murdock’s nouveau nom-de-plume, Dumbass Turdpoop.

G)  A BFC @ KFC.

It is about time that I stopped your non-focusing shannanniganns, you O’Herly Unfurlies.  Like my good friend Dumbass Turdpoop, aka Deroy Murdock, would say:  “FOCUS YOU FUCK CHOPS FOCUS.”

Heed:

A) Cliches wrapped in insoluable metaphors.

B) OMG!  and other asswipe phrases used by asswipes.

C) The legitimate threat North Korea poses to international security.

D) Katy Perry’s unshitting ways.

E) Deroy Mudock, Also Known As Dumbass Turdpoop, and his succubus-like shannanniganns.

F)  A BFC!  OMG!  LOL!  IMOH OR WHATEVER THE FUCK.

Focus.  GWiMMRN:

A)

B) You

C) Shrieking and crying way out of proportion to the stimulus

D) A big, fat cock

Remember when GWiMMRN used to have editions, like it was some news magazine, or something?  Well, those days are back.

Welcome to GWiMMRN, CNN edition.  Today, I take a hard, oblong and chunky look at CNN’s “Comment” page.  You see, there is NO DIFFERENCE between CNN comment page, and the unfocusing fuck-chop comments that I get on this website.  No.  Difference.

GWiMMRN:

A)  Unsolicited political opinions at the local SafeWay.

B)  CNN, which is in reality a toilet that gets “backed up” every now and again.

C)  CNN used to be cool, in the 1990s.

D)  Shit flavored passion fruit, like maracua salsa.

E)  A big fat picture of a big fat pienapple in the shape of a big fat oh i cant say it.

After the great fecal emergency of oh-12, we now have a low-budget airline emergency.  Which of the following did that erratic pilot yell while being subdued?

Gwimmrn, and FOCUS, you fuckchops!

A) “Kim Jong-Un is my babydaddy!”

B) “Oh my God. I’m so distraught!”

C) “There’re parsnips in my stew!”

D)  “We’ve gotta pull the throttle back! We’ve gotta get this plane down!’”

E)  “A. Dog knows how to take a shit and is just faking it, faking it!”

F)  “There’s a big fat cock in your mouth!  Slap it out!  Slap it out!”

G)  All of the above.

Ok, People.  Nobody panic.  Let’s just try to keep our composure, alright?

I have to report an emergency in the Men’s second floor bathroom on Hallway B.

I said “DON’T” panic.  As in, DO NOT panic.  Just keep CALM, for crissakes.

Ok.  Now, it appears that some one – or some persons — flooded the the sit-down toilet with fecal matter and toilet paper such that it is now impossible to flush it.  It looks like Japan after the Tsunami, with debris and flotsam and jetsam, except it’s all shit.  I tried flushing it — the toilet, not Japan — and the waters rose to DANGEROUS LEVELS.  I escaped just in time before it burbled over the brim.

Now, I REALIZE that you cleaning staff certainly DO NOT get paid enough for cleaning this up.  But, we must all think of our duties — stop that snickering!  I said DUTIES, not DOODIES.  Anyway, we must remember that we all have a form and a function here, and we must, ALL OF US, do our part.

And it’s your job… your DUTY, to clean it up.  Before it’s too late.  And it was almost too late.

We must also find out what heinous monster left such a mess in the office toilet.  I am doing MY part, and have narrowed it down to 3 suspects.

Suspect #1:

That’s right: David Bowie from Labyrinth.

Suspect #2

Katy Perry.  It’s very likely that it was her, despite it being the Men’s bathroom.  Second floor.  Hallway B.

Suspect #3

Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.  He looks like he could lay a turd foundation strong enough to cripple the hardiest of toilets.

Ok, people.  Let’s start interviewing these suspects and get to the BOTTOM of this.  And you, janitors, need to get on that Mountain of Crap.  The first floor Men’s room is in danger of flooding, should those turds sit in the second floor toilet too long, gumming up the works, so to speak.

And while I’m at it, I want to know who turned the light out on me when I was taking my OWN dump in the first floor Men’s room, Hallway B.  I yelled “YO!” and the light went back on, but I am still PEEVED.

And to whomever did it, “Grow up.”  You are WAYYYY too old to be doing things like that.  When will it stop?

MY PENIS IS JAMMED IN YOUR PRINTER HOLE

MY PENIS IS MISTLETOE FOR MY BALLS

IF YOU ARE HITCHHIKING, MY PENIS HAS ONLY ONE OPTION: ASS

WIKILEAKS ERUPTS FROM MY PENIS

MY PENIS IS THE LAST STRAW

MY PENIS KILLED THE KENNEDYS

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

Th-th-th-th-thuh-thuh-the Kuh-kuh-kkkk-k-k-k-k-k-k–k-ki-ki-kingsspeech wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wa-wah-wah-was a guh-guh-guh-gg-g-g-g-gggg-great fuh-fuh-fuh-fuhi=fiiii-fuh-fuh-film.  I-ui-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-iiiiiiiii-i wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-was th-th-th-th-though-thouroughlyentertained.  I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i wuh-wuh-wiii-wish ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-it -wuh-wuh-wuh-wa-wah-wah-was muh-muih-muh-muh-m-m-mmmm-me wh-wh-wh-who who who who who who guh-guh-guh-guh gothelp.

Oooooh!  That Ricky Gervais rilly ZINGED ‘em at the Golden Fucking Globes the other night, didn’t he?  OoooOOOoooh!  That’s something we all rilly need to pay attention to, considering our worthless fucking lives are going to hell in a handbasket anyway, right?

NO.  GWIMMRN.

A)  Ricky Gervais’ slackjawed pompous-ass accent

B)  The Hollywood elite’s Tweet.

C)  Gloria Estefan’s Letter of DISinvitation to the Golden Globes, considering what happened last time she was invited and showed up and all.

D)  Taint Tweets from the Barber of Fleet Street.

E)  Nothing at all.

F)  Your comeuppance.

G)  A big, fat I DON’T GIVE A RAT FUCK ABOUT RICKY GERVAIS AND THE GOLDEN GLOBES OR PIERS MORGAN OR ANY OF THOSE FUCKTWATS WHO SPEW THEIR POPCULTURE SPOOGE ALL OVER YOUR ATTENTION SPANS cock.

MY PENIS PERFORMED ADMIRABLY

MY PENIS HAS A HOLE IN THE RIGHT PLACE

MY PENIS SEES A U.N. CONSPIRACY IN DENVER

MY PENIS DOES NOT CARE WHERE THE MOSQUE WILL BE BUILT

MY PENIS TALLY HO

MY PENIS IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

MY PENIS IS ALL THE HEALTH CARE REFORM YOU NEED

MY PENIS BRINGS MORE PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST THAN TWO JIMMY CARTERS PUT TOGETHER

MY LEFT NUT

MY PENIS IS CHAIR OF FORMER GOVERNOR PALIN’S DEATH PANELS

MY PENIS HIP HIP HOORAY

MY PENIS WILL NOT BE RECALLED

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

Remember when GWiMMRN had editions, like it was some news magazine or something?  Well, those days are back.

Guess what’s in my mouth, right now:

A)  The hot chocolate with lil’ chunks of prunes in it that I had before coming to work this morning.

B)  The intense urge to defecate afterwards, especialyl considering that I’m lactose intolerant, somewhat.

C)  The hot chocolate and prunes that slid out of my bunghole in the office bathroom, along with what I had for dinner last night, which was beans and cheese.

D)  The “no wonder you had the shits” you’re probably thinking right now.

E)  That one time in college I came back to my dorm collective bathroom and had to throw up something fierce at oh, around 2:30 a.m. and the guy in the stall next to me who was trying to convince me that having the shits like he had was much worse than throwing up because you’re drunk.

F)  That, to this day, I still don’t think he’s right.

G)  All the things I think but never do.

The worst thing about getting The Brent Scowcroft Treatment is when Brent Scowcroft is giving it to you, he yells, “You’re gettin’ The Brent Scowcroft Treatment!  You’re gettin’ The Brent SCOwcroft Treatment!”

GWiMMRN:

A)  Brent Scowcroft.

B)  The Brent Scowcroft Treatment.

C)  Brent Scowcroft’s op-ed piece.

D)  Brent Scowcroft’s big, fat cock.

I just almost sneezed so hard that my jizz fell out.

Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A)  Soy salami and spicey cheese sandwich sandwich.

B)  Multiple multipliers.

C)  An official Hard Rock Cafe: Guantanamo Bay t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off.

D)  Obama’s Totally Excellent Adventure.

E)  A horse, a horse a kingdom for big floppy horse nuts.

F)  An extra pocket in my pants for my penis.

G)  A big, fat cock wrapped around Selena’s dead corpse.

MY PENIS IS SALVATION WRAPPED IN FLESH

MY PENIS IS THE PENISIFICATION OF QUID PRO QUO

MY PENIS SPEAKS TRUTH TO POWER

MY PENIS IS YOUR SANTA CLAUS

BAILOUT MY BALLS

MY PENIS IS CANDIDATE NUMBER ONE

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY