Posted by: My Mouth in BIG FAT COCK
As Big Poopy would say, “When you’re Big Poopy, you take your lumps.”
A) Blumpkin Fanatic’s live blogging of his latest truck stop men’s room exploits, this time with loose bowels.
B) Swamp ass and other anal maladies.
C) The bittersweet earth under rock bottom.
D) A grilled cheese sandwich, with potatoe chips and a strawberry milkshake.
E) The Big, Fat Cock gazing up at you from Rock Bottom, waiting for you to fall on him with your mouth wide open.
I spent Easter shitting water and throwing up until I couldn’t breathe. Welcome to Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now:
A) While stomach contents will eventually empty, it appears that the colon’s cache of fecal matter is endless.
B) You can throw up so hard that, when you blow your nose afterward, small bits of food come out.
C) “Oh look! Spinach!”
D) Blowing a potato chunk out of your nose is an experience not worth repeating.
E) Feeling like you’re having a heart attack because you’re not able to breathe because your stomach refuses to believe that its empty and you keep gagging and gagging.
F) Among the most awful experiences you’ll ever have kneeling in front of a toilet.
G) A Big, Fat C.
UPDATE: It now could be H) Just writing about it makes me feel sick.
It’s very, very important that you focus, now. Do you know why? I will tell you: Because not to focus is the same as being unfocused, which means that you are an unfocused fucknozzle.
Glad we cleared that up. Now GWiMMRN:
A) The main character from Falling Down, who is supposed to be some kind of hero, or something.
B) Michael Douglas as Falling Down on Some Guy, AKA Liberace.
C) The utter insensitivity of the line, “And now you’re gonna die, wearing that stupid little hat. How does it feel?”
D) ”This was used, man!”, said by a sick fuck.
E) The guy who says, “ALRIIIGHT!” in this little gem of a scene.
F) A Big, Fat Falling Down Cock
You have no idea how hard I work every day, all day long, to find things to stuff into my mouth. NO IDEA.
And yet, I get constant whinging, bitching, and complaints from a variety of characters like semi-homeless urine-drinkers, stinky-dicked bushbucks, Mexican french fry sandwich fans, and a whole panoply of non-focusing fuckchopitas who couldn’t pour weasel piss out of a boot if instructions were written on the heel.
So this is what I think of all of you.
ALL. OF. YOU.
I got a riddle for you: What have I got in my mouth?
A) Chor esposa’s poosy, mang!
B) Chor mamacita’s anoos, mang!
C) Senor iChip Butty’s Fishless Fish Tacos Internacionale
D) A Big, Fat Pene, BBBBRRRROOOO!
E) Senor Chip Butty’s congressional hearing on immigration reform, in which he broke out in a seeneeng of de internacionale heets, mang!
Posted by: My Mouth in Uncategorized
I am soooooo fucking tired of your nonfocusing. This comments section of this otherwise glorious website has devolved into some Craigslist for the desperate and retarded, a chatroom for every sick fuck who thinks folks give a rat’s patootie what they think. Meanwhile, here I am, day after day, even when I’m not posting, stuffing things in my mouth and requiring that everyone guess what’s in there. DAY. AFTER. DAY.
I have a purpose, people. And my purpose is greater than the worth of your lives. It is the only means for your everlasting salvation. It is why you are here. It is why there is life on Earth.
A) A donut, because it is Donut Day.
B) Last year’s Valentine’s Day lollipop.
C) A special President’s Day chocolate cupcake.
D) Butterscotch Ice Cream for Sheppy.
E) dOcTurD iNfInItY’s Robotic Escape Pod.
F) A BFC that I phoned in for my entusiastic entusiasms.
Be the M.A.N. from F.O.C.U.S.
Now, which one of these dirty-joke punchlines are in my mouth right now?
A) “Oh, we shoot that icky stuff in the sink before we start.”
B) “I don’t think my ass can stand another hard roll.”
C) “The dead one’s full again!”
D) “I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago.”
E) None of the above.
F) All of the above.
G) A B.F. (wait for it………) C.! Suck THAT, Colonel Sanders!
I’ve noticed that none of you fucktards are focusing like you should. Listen, people, the set-up is simple: I put things in my mouth, and your job is to guess what’s in there.
A) A mysterious screaming.
B) The demands, the demands!
C) Mongo, the sticky-fingered mogoloid chronically masturbating Starbucks employee.
D) A 2 buck cappuccino, made by Mongo, whom you met in C) above.
E) The Angels of Avalon, and the waiting for the Eastern glow.
F) Stephen King, who Googles his name everyday and trolls around looking for mentions, even if its only about turds.
G) A BFC.
Posted by: My Mouth in Eugene
Here’s another one, my lumpen-darlings!
they herald the coming of
and from the depth and resonance of their trump’ting
was a long ways away, bat’ling in the dark twisty canyons
for light and air.
What ’tis I hear?
Yes! The heralds say
the King is near!
And he comes!
dressed in brown velvet
robes that flow ’round him
majestic and terrible, the sight of him
forever it seems
he crashes then glides
until much like Revelation’s Serpent he
seemingly rests, coiled and fierce.
I look back
and behold him.
I am shaken with awe and fear.
And, like the great Kings
this King, the Awesome and Great Turd King
sets me tremb’ling
fills me with wonder
leaves me anticipating
I pull up my pants
and run from the bushes,
leaving the King
to rule over his new Kingdom
o’er the frozen soil
of my local park.
Greetings, my little chirpy dicklicks! I hope you’ve been practicing your focusing, because this edition of GWiMMRN is a hummmmmmmm-DINGER!
A) A cute little song that I typically mess up to say, “IT’S A HONKY FUCKER DINGY JAMFORMEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
B) “In my animal books, animal books, I love to shoot gook in my animal books!”
C) A torrid love affair
D) An aglet
E) Read the title of this post, dumb dumb
UPDATE: It may be F) Semen Pot Pie, but only if you guess now! I mean, right now! Go go go! Guess guess guess! Hurry up! GUESS!
Eugene here, from Eugene, Oregon! I got some new po-ems for you!
One night when
I was a teen-
I was woken by the sound of tapping
I went downstairs to follow it
the tapping and
what I found was
my mom’s boyfriend staring
at the hermit crab
His pants were around
and a jar of lotion was perched on
top of the tank.
Whilst jerking his
he would, at regular intervals
on the hermit crab tank glass
and then go back to
I watched for a little while
(he did not notice me)
and then I went
to the kitchen
and heated up some warm milk
and began to drink
and then went to bed
I don’t remember the dreams I had that night.
MY PENIS IS DUMPING HUGE AMOUNTS OF HUMAN RESOURCES INTO YOUR WIFE’S SNATCH
ROCK MY ROCK HARD BALLS
MY PENIS PUSHES THE ENVELOPE
AT THE END OF THE DAY IS MY PENIS
MY PENIS DENIES YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDSHIP REQUEST
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE: MY PENIS, MY PENIS AND MY PENIS
MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY
Yeah, I was going to tell you all about the miracle of Christmas in my mouth, but then I forgot. Sorry, bub.
Anyhoo, it’s going to be 2013 soon. Like, IMMINENTLY. Which is a coincidence, because something’s IMMINENTLY in my mouth right now! So you guess what it is, okay?
A) A passive-aggressive “I know who you are” comment from somebody who DOESN’T know who you are
B) Lindor Eggnog truffles, which taste exactly the way you’d imagine a hot load from Cogbox, Santa’s chief elf would taste
C) A dog who does not know how to take a shit, an asshole-eating hermit crab, a bushbuck that wants to sing the Canadian national anthem but can’t because of a horribly stinky penis, and other non-focusing queefsniffers
D) F.O.A.M.E., which is the new flavor of M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C. (which is itself that pussy-flavored drink you add milk to like Ovaltine), which happens to be a taint-flavored beverage that you add buttermilk to like Strawberry Quik
E) A big, fat, juicy New Year’s Day-flavored cock
UPDATE: It is not this:
Posted by: My Mouth in CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY
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Welcome back to Civil Rights Violations Wednesdays. Remember when GWiMMRN had editions, like it was some news-magazine or something? Well, those days are back.
Guess which civil rights violation is in my mouth right now (literally, in my mouth… this is not some fucking metaphor):
A) The right to eat Twinkies and other Hostess cakes.
B) The right to give Little Debbie a cleveland steamer.
C) The right to shit in one’s own pants without fear of reprisals.
D) The right to a birthday party without fear of suprisals.
E) The right to take pictures of a guy who is about to be killed by an oncoming subway car.
F) The right to a big, fat c*(+.