Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

As Big Poopy would say, “When you’re Big Poopy, you take your lumps.”

A)  Blumpkin Fanatic’s live blogging of his latest truck stop men’s room exploits, this time with loose bowels.

B)  Swamp ass and other anal maladies.

C)  The bittersweet earth under rock bottom.

D)  A grilled cheese sandwich, with potatoe chips and a strawberry milkshake.

E)  The Big, Fat Cock gazing up at you from Rock Bottom, waiting for you to fall on him with your mouth wide open.

I spent Easter shitting water and throwing up until I couldn’t breathe.  Welcome to Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now:

A)  While stomach contents will eventually empty, it appears that the colon’s cache of fecal matter is endless.

B)  You can throw up so hard that, when you blow your nose afterward, small bits of food come out.

C)  “Oh look!  Spinach!”

D)  Blowing a potato chunk out of your nose is an experience not  worth repeating.

E)  Feeling like you’re having a heart attack because you’re not able to breathe because your stomach refuses to believe that its empty and you keep gagging and gagging.

F)  Among the most awful experiences you’ll ever have kneeling in front of a toilet.

G)  A Big, Fat C.

UPDATE:  It now could be H) Just writing about it makes me feel sick.

It’s very, very important that you focus, now.  Do you know why?  I will tell you: Because not to focus is the same as being unfocused, which means that you are an unfocused fucknozzle.

Glad we cleared that up.  Now GWiMMRN:

A)  The main character from Falling Down, who is supposed to be some kind of hero, or something.

B)  Michael Douglas as Falling Down on Some Guy, AKA Liberace.

C)  The utter insensitivity of the line, “And now you’re gonna die, wearing that stupid little hat. How does it feel?”

D)  ”This was used, man!”, said by a sick fuck.

E)  The guy who says, “ALRIIIGHT!” in this little gem of a scene.

F)  A Big, Fat Falling Down Cock

Jesus Christ.

Jesus CHRIST.

You have no idea how hard I work every day, all day long, to find things to stuff into my mouth.  NO IDEA.

And yet, I get constant whinging, bitching, and complaints from a variety of characters like semi-homeless urine-drinkers, stinky-dicked bushbucks, Mexican french fry sandwich fans, and a whole panoply of non-focusing fuckchopitas who couldn’t pour weasel piss out of a boot if instructions were written on the heel.

So this is what I think of all of you.

ALL.  OF.  YOU.

Thank you.

I got a riddle for you:  What have I got in my mouth?

Guess!

A)  Chor esposa’s poosy, mang!

B)  Chor mamacita’s anoos, mang!

C)  Senor iChip Butty’s Fishless Fish Tacos Internacionale

D)  A Big, Fat Pene, BBBBRRRROOOO!

E)  Senor Chip Butty’s congressional hearing on immigration reform, in which he broke out in a seeneeng of de internacionale heets, mang!

I am soooooo fucking tired of your nonfocusing.  This comments section of this otherwise glorious website has devolved into some Craigslist for the desperate and retarded, a chatroom for every sick fuck who thinks folks give a rat’s patootie what they think.  Meanwhile, here I am, day after day, even when I’m not posting, stuffing things in my mouth and requiring that everyone guess what’s in there.  DAY.  AFTER.  DAY.

I have a purpose, people.  And my purpose is greater than the worth of your lives.  It is the only means for your everlasting salvation.  It is why you are here.  It is why there is life on Earth.

Now, guesswhat’sinmymouthrightnowyoufuckingcraigslistinggrouponmasturbatingfucktardedshitknackers!

A)  A donut, because it is Donut Day.

B)  Last year’s Valentine’s Day lollipop.

C)  A special President’s Day chocolate cupcake.

D)  Butterscotch Ice Cream for Sheppy.

E)  dOcTurD iNfInItY’s Robotic Escape Pod.

F)  A BFC that I phoned in for my entusiastic entusiasms.

Be the M.A.N. from F.O.C.U.S. 

Now, which one of these dirty-joke punchlines are in my mouth right now?

A)  “Oh, we shoot that icky stuff in the sink before we start.”

B)  “I don’t think my ass can stand another hard roll.”

C)  “The dead one’s full again!”

D)  “I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago.”

E)  None of the above.

F)  All of the above.

G)  A B.F. (wait for it………) C.!  Suck THAT, Colonel Sanders!

I’ve noticed that none of you fucktards are focusing like you should.  Listen, people, the set-up is simple: I put things in my mouth, and your job is to guess what’s in there.

Now, guesswhat’sinmymouthrightnowyounonfocusingfucksticks!

A)  A mysterious screaming.

B)  The demands, the demands!

C)  Mongo, the sticky-fingered mogoloid chronically masturbating Starbucks employee.

D)  A 2 buck cappuccino, made by Mongo, whom you met in C) above.

E)  The Angels of Avalon, and the waiting for the Eastern glow.

F)  Stephen King, who Googles his name everyday and trolls around looking for mentions, even if its only about turds.

G)  A BFC.

Here’s another one, my lumpen-darlings!

The King

My farts

they herald the coming of

the King

and from the depth and resonance of their trump’ting

the King

was a long ways away, bat’ling in the dark twisty canyons

for light and air.

But wait! 

What ’tis I hear?

Yes!  The heralds say

the King is near!

And he comes! 

dressed in brown velvet

robes that flow ’round him

majestic and terrible, the sight of him

forever it seems

he crashes then glides

until much like Revelation’s Serpent he

seemingly rests, coiled and fierce.

I look back

and behold him.

I am shaken with awe and fear.

And, like the great Kings

this King, the Awesome and Great Turd King

sets me tremb’ling

fills me with wonder

leaves me anticipating

even more.

I pull up my pants

and run from the bushes,

leaving the King

to rule over his new Kingdom

o’er the frozen soil

of my local park.

Your Majesty!

Greetings, my little chirpy dicklicks!  I hope you’ve been practicing your focusing, because this edition of GWiMMRN is a hummmmmmmm-DINGER!

A) A cute little song that I typically mess up to say, “IT’S A HONKY FUCKER DINGY JAMFORMEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

B) “In my animal books, animal books, I love to shoot gook in my animal books!”

C) A torrid love affair

D) An aglet

E) Read the title of this post, dumb dumb

UPDATE: It may be F) Semen Pot Pie, but only if you guess now!  I mean, right now!  Go go go!  Guess guess guess!  Hurry up!  GUESS!

Eugene here, from Eugene, Oregon!  I got some new po-ems for you!

Their Attention

One night when

I was a teen-

ager

I was woken by the sound of tapping

tap tap

tap tap

I went downstairs to follow it

the tapping and

what I found was

my mom’s boyfriend staring

at the hermit crab

tank.

His pants were around

his ankles

and a jar of lotion was perched on

top of the tank.

Whilst jerking his

he would, at regular intervals

tap tap

tap tap

on the hermit crab tank glass

tap tap

tap tap

and then go back to

I watched for a little while

(he did not notice me)

and then I went

to the kitchen

tap tap

tap tap

and heated up some warm milk

and began to drink

tap tap

tap tap

and then went to bed

again.

I don’t remember the dreams I had that night.

MY PENIS IS DUMPING HUGE AMOUNTS OF HUMAN RESOURCES INTO YOUR WIFE’S SNATCH

ROCK MY ROCK HARD BALLS

MY PENIS PUSHES THE ENVELOPE

AT THE END OF THE DAY IS MY PENIS

MY PENIS DENIES YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDSHIP REQUEST

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE: MY PENIS, MY PENIS AND MY PENIS

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

Yeah, I was going to tell you all about the miracle of Christmas in my mouth, but then I forgot.  Sorry, bub.

Anyhoo, it’s going to be 2013 soon.  Like, IMMINENTLY.  Which is a coincidence, because something’s IMMINENTLY in my mouth right now!  So you guess what it is, okay?

Thank you.

A) A passive-aggressive “I know who you are” comment from somebody who DOESN’T know who you are

B) Lindor Eggnog truffles, which taste exactly the way you’d imagine a hot load from Cogbox, Santa’s chief elf would taste

C) A dog who does not know how to take a shit, an asshole-eating hermit crab, a bushbuck that wants to sing the Canadian national anthem but can’t because of a horribly stinky penis, and other non-focusing queefsniffers

D) F.O.A.M.E., which is the new flavor of M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C. (which is itself that pussy-flavored drink you add milk to like Ovaltine), which happens to be a taint-flavored beverage that you add buttermilk to like Strawberry Quik

E) A big, fat, juicy New Year’s Day-flavored cock

UPDATE: It is not this:

Welcome back to Civil Rights Violations Wednesdays.  Remember when GWiMMRN had editions, like it was some news-magazine or something?  Well, those days are back.

Guess which civil rights violation is in my mouth right now (literally, in my mouth… this is not some fucking metaphor):

A)  The right to eat Twinkies and other Hostess cakes.

B)  The right to give Little Debbie a cleveland steamer.

C)  The right to shit in one’s own pants without fear of reprisals.

D)  The right to a birthday party without fear of suprisals.

E)  The right to take pictures of a guy who is about to be killed by an oncoming subway car.

F)  The right to a big, fat c*(+.

GUESSGUESSGUESSFUCKINGGUESSFORCRYINGOUTLOUDALREADY!