Hey, remember when GWiMMRN used to have editions, like it was some dumb twatslapping news magazine with reporters and oh, never fucking mind.
Here’s an idea for you: focus and Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now. Simple, one would think. Apparently, to the congregation of ass-doodlers, wingwang wibblers, and clots of wet shark shit that comment on this blog, it’s fucking IMPOSSIBLE.
Nobody cares about your problems. NOBODY. So guess:
A) A seashell fragment caught in the slit of a man’s penis, not mine
B) A fork caught in the shaft of a man’s penis, not mine
C) Olive oil cake
D) A long line for the bathroom
E) A short line for the ice cream truck
F) A big, fat COCK
UPDATE! It may now be a gigantic turkey, shitting stuffing all over the place:
Hard-hitting doesn’t even scratch the surface of this important, life-affirming website. Despite the mention of your mouth in the title of today’s relentless mouthable, please remember that it’s my mouth that matters. Not your mouth, his mouth, her mouth, or Bubby Brister’s mouth. Okay?
That out of the way, let’s get to the content here. We’re down to brass tacks and back to the basics. We’re returning to first things and starting at square one. I, that is, me, the individual writing this post that you are reading right now, have put one of a list of things in my mouth. The list is below. You, that is, the individual reading this post that I have written, have been given the awesome responsibility and exciting privilege of guessing which thing on this list I have put into my mouth. Simple, right? All right. Here is the list:
A) A peanut butter-slathered ferret erection
B) A peanut butter-slathered ferret erection
C) A peanut butter-slathered ferret erection
D) A peanut butter-slathered ferret erection
E) A peanut butter-slathered ferret erection
F) A big, fat, peanut butter-slathered ferret erection
UPDATE: It may now be this:
That’s right, bitches. I’m at work, slurping down an ice cold, Grande-sized Coffee Frapuccino and calling it my morning coffee. And I’m doing it in my bright yellow short-sleeve Polo.
How you like me now?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, you got some Guessing to do.
A) An ice cold, Grande-sized Java Chip Frapuccino, with no whipped cream.
B) Anonymous’s hurt widdle feewings. Fuck YOU, Anonymous, you low-esteem shit-bag.
C) A bright yellow Polo and smelling like a million bucks.
D) An amperstand.
F) My Own BFC at Weiner’s Mayoral Birthday Bash
UPDATE: Anonymous just sharted in sadness. Boo hoo fucking hoo. Dickhead.
PICTURES OF MY PENIS WILL WIN THE NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL RACE
MY BALLS FOR CITY COUNCIL PRESIDENT
MY PENIS GRILLS THE TASTIEST HAMBURGERS AT THE COMPANY SUMMER PICNIC
MY PENIS DOES NOT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF, AND ITS ALL SMALL STUFF NEXT TO MY PENIS
THE TIP OF MY PENIS TICKLES VENUS
MY PENIS BOUGHT A MAJOR NATIONAL NEWSPAPER AND IS TURNING IT INTO HIS PERSONAL SHOT RAG
MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY
You know, I’m just not going to bother telling you snatch-waddling cunny-pearl divers to focus. Because it just doesn’t matter. All you do is go on and on about how OFFENDED you are, or how you don’t like the color red, or the cockhairs in your mouth, or whatever other meaningless bullshit is going on in that pointless existence you call a life.
To quote an airline pilot, “Eh. doesn’t matter”
A) A freshly-popped hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid in Helen Thomas’ dead asshole
B) The puhpuhpenis Oprah can suck
C) Ploppy Cat
D) Jason Priestly
E): This doughnut:
F: A big, fat cock
It’s all true, and it’s all in my mouth right now.
A) Helen Thomas’ Special Fries, with catsup made out of her deceased husband’s wails
B) George Zimmerman’s latest acts of heroics, making Jews across Florida proud
C) Protests over the the recent verdict that Helen Thomas will not lie in State, like the Presidents she once covered
D) H.T.’s flabby arms draped across her chest
E) THE BALCONY.
F) R.I.P.D.’s Special Victims Unit, populated by Ryan Reynold’s dead career
G) T.M.’s BFC
Posted by: My Mouth in FOCUS
What horrible, terrible, just plain no-good things are in my mouth right now? Well, its for you to guess, my lil’ droogs!
A) An unexpected grunt in the men’s room.
B) That the unexpected grunt came from me.
C) Asking what time it is, and getting an unexpectedly insensitive reply.
D) My previously untarnished perfect reputation now, unexpectedly, tarnished.
E) A tarnished BFC at KFC with GNR and TTFN, Fnozzles.
If its not in FACEbook, then it didn’t happen, right? Am I right, ladies? Yes. The answer is YES.
And now, some things which are On My Mind, but what I can’t actually post on FACEbook.
A) Hemroid jokes, like, “Did you know that Preparation H has a Questions and Comments hotline, but its only available Monday through Friday between 9 and 5 EST? Well, its true, and if you have a hemroid problem at 5:30 p.m. on a Friday, you’re shit out of luck until Monday morning, bub.”
B) This website.
C) “Boy o boy, do I have a lot of pubic hair today!”
D) “Belly buttons are neither bellies nor buttons.”
E) “Thank goodness for the waterpressure in my shower: I wouldn’t know HOW to get my ass clean without it! Am I right, ladies? Yes. The answer is YES.”
F) A BFC n’ Roses.
Posted by: My Mouth in BIG FAT COCK
As Big Poopy would say, “When you’re Big Poopy, you take your lumps.”
A) Blumpkin Fanatic’s live blogging of his latest truck stop men’s room exploits, this time with loose bowels.
B) Swamp ass and other anal maladies.
C) The bittersweet earth under rock bottom.
D) A grilled cheese sandwich, with potatoe chips and a strawberry milkshake.
E) The Big, Fat Cock gazing up at you from Rock Bottom, waiting for you to fall on him with your mouth wide open.
I spent Easter shitting water and throwing up until I couldn’t breathe. Welcome to Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now:
A) While stomach contents will eventually empty, it appears that the colon’s cache of fecal matter is endless.
B) You can throw up so hard that, when you blow your nose afterward, small bits of food come out.
C) “Oh look! Spinach!”
D) Blowing a potato chunk out of your nose is an experience not worth repeating.
E) Feeling like you’re having a heart attack because you’re not able to breathe because your stomach refuses to believe that its empty and you keep gagging and gagging.
F) Among the most awful experiences you’ll ever have kneeling in front of a toilet.
G) A Big, Fat C.
UPDATE: It now could be H) Just writing about it makes me feel sick.
It’s very, very important that you focus, now. Do you know why? I will tell you: Because not to focus is the same as being unfocused, which means that you are an unfocused fucknozzle.
Glad we cleared that up. Now GWiMMRN:
A) The main character from Falling Down, who is supposed to be some kind of hero, or something.
B) Michael Douglas as Falling Down on Some Guy, AKA Liberace.
C) The utter insensitivity of the line, “And now you’re gonna die, wearing that stupid little hat. How does it feel?”
D) ”This was used, man!”, said by a sick fuck.
E) The guy who says, “ALRIIIGHT!” in this little gem of a scene.
F) A Big, Fat Falling Down Cock
You have no idea how hard I work every day, all day long, to find things to stuff into my mouth. NO IDEA.
And yet, I get constant whinging, bitching, and complaints from a variety of characters like semi-homeless urine-drinkers, stinky-dicked bushbucks, Mexican french fry sandwich fans, and a whole panoply of non-focusing fuckchopitas who couldn’t pour weasel piss out of a boot if instructions were written on the heel.
So this is what I think of all of you.
ALL. OF. YOU.
I got a riddle for you: What have I got in my mouth?
A) Chor esposa’s poosy, mang!
B) Chor mamacita’s anoos, mang!
C) Senor iChip Butty’s Fishless Fish Tacos Internacionale
D) A Big, Fat Pene, BBBBRRRROOOO!
E) Senor Chip Butty’s congressional hearing on immigration reform, in which he broke out in a seeneeng of de internacionale heets, mang!
Posted by: My Mouth in Uncategorized
I am soooooo fucking tired of your nonfocusing. This comments section of this otherwise glorious website has devolved into some Craigslist for the desperate and retarded, a chatroom for every sick fuck who thinks folks give a rat’s patootie what they think. Meanwhile, here I am, day after day, even when I’m not posting, stuffing things in my mouth and requiring that everyone guess what’s in there. DAY. AFTER. DAY.
I have a purpose, people. And my purpose is greater than the worth of your lives. It is the only means for your everlasting salvation. It is why you are here. It is why there is life on Earth.
A) A donut, because it is Donut Day.
B) Last year’s Valentine’s Day lollipop.
C) A special President’s Day chocolate cupcake.
D) Butterscotch Ice Cream for Sheppy.
E) dOcTurD iNfInItY’s Robotic Escape Pod.
F) A BFC that I phoned in for my entusiastic entusiasms.
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Be the M.A.N. from F.O.C.U.S.
Now, which one of these dirty-joke punchlines are in my mouth right now?
A) “Oh, we shoot that icky stuff in the sink before we start.”
B) “I don’t think my ass can stand another hard roll.”
C) “The dead one’s full again!”
D) “I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago.”
E) None of the above.
F) All of the above.
G) A B.F. (wait for it………) C.! Suck THAT, Colonel Sanders!