Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

MY PENIS PERFORMED ADMIRABLY

MY PENIS HAS A HOLE IN THE RIGHT PLACE

MY PENIS SEES A U.N. CONSPIRACY IN DENVER

MY PENIS DOES NOT CARE WHERE THE MOSQUE WILL BE BUILT

MY PENIS TALLY HO

MY PENIS IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

MY PENIS IS ALL THE HEALTH CARE REFORM YOU NEED

MY PENIS BRINGS MORE PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST THAN TWO JIMMY CARTERS PUT TOGETHER

MY LEFT NUT

MY PENIS IS CHAIR OF FORMER GOVERNOR PALIN’S DEATH PANELS

MY PENIS HIP HIP HOORAY

MY PENIS WILL NOT BE RECALLED

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

Remember when GWiMMRN had editions, like it was some news magazine or something?  Well, those days are back.

Guess what’s in my mouth, right now:

A)  The hot chocolate with lil’ chunks of prunes in it that I had before coming to work this morning.

B)  The intense urge to defecate afterwards, especialyl considering that I’m lactose intolerant, somewhat.

C)  The hot chocolate and prunes that slid out of my bunghole in the office bathroom, along with what I had for dinner last night, which was beans and cheese.

D)  The “no wonder you had the shits” you’re probably thinking right now.

E)  That one time in college I came back to my dorm collective bathroom and had to throw up something fierce at oh, around 2:30 a.m. and the guy in the stall next to me who was trying to convince me that having the shits like he had was much worse than throwing up because you’re drunk.

F)  That, to this day, I still don’t think he’s right.

G)  All the things I think but never do.

The worst thing about getting The Brent Scowcroft Treatment is when Brent Scowcroft is giving it to you, he yells, “You’re gettin’ The Brent Scowcroft Treatment!  You’re gettin’ The Brent SCOwcroft Treatment!”

GWiMMRN:

A)  Brent Scowcroft.

B)  The Brent Scowcroft Treatment.

C)  Brent Scowcroft’s op-ed piece.

D)  Brent Scowcroft’s big, fat cock.

I just almost sneezed so hard that my jizz fell out.

Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A)  Soy salami and spicey cheese sandwich sandwich.

B)  Multiple multipliers.

C)  An official Hard Rock Cafe: Guantanamo Bay t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off.

D)  Obama’s Totally Excellent Adventure.

E)  A horse, a horse a kingdom for big floppy horse nuts.

F)  An extra pocket in my pants for my penis.

G)  A big, fat cock wrapped around Selena’s dead corpse.

MY PENIS IS SALVATION WRAPPED IN FLESH

MY PENIS IS THE PENISIFICATION OF QUID PRO QUO

MY PENIS SPEAKS TRUTH TO POWER

MY PENIS IS YOUR SANTA CLAUS

BAILOUT MY BALLS

MY PENIS IS CANDIDATE NUMBER ONE

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

I’ve never left.

GWiMMRN:

A)  Bacon donuts.

B)  Bacon Doughnuts.

C)  Bacon balls nuts.

D)  The FACT that bacon donuts are produced from the sweaty underside of Satan’s balls.  And remember, it is VERY VERY HOT in Hell and Satan sweats A LOT.

E)  A big fact cock with a bacon doughnut on top.

My Mouth is seeing double!  Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A)  Two big breasts.

B)  Two toungues for the price of one.

C)  Two tickets for a broadway show.

D)  Too old, too old to begin the training.

E)  Carpet fumes from two new carpets.

F)  Two big, fat cocks comin’ right at ya.

I NEVER get tired of the Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill debate.  I talk about it all day and all night to people I meet on the street whose feet are too slow to flee.  The following are snippppets of the unvarnished testimony given to Senator “Dong Slapper” Biden and his colleagues at the Senate Judiciary Committee back in 199whatever.

A)  Anita Hill: “He would put cuffs on me, tie up my hair and yell Proust quotations at me until I fell asleep with his dick in my mouth.”

B)  Clarence Thomas: “I slapped her ass so many times my hand would get tired, Senator.  DOG TIRED.”

C)  Anita Hill: “He said that he would allow me to file an amicus brief before the Supreme Court someday if only I would strip down into my Underoos and do jumping jacks while he fellated the neighbor’s weiner-dog.  I did not believe him then and I do not believe him now that he would be able to do what he said he would do for me.”

D)  Clarence Thomas: “I did ask her on occasion to call me Long Dong Silver.  That part is true, gentlemen.  And ladies.  Sorry.  Didn’t mean to be gender discriminatory with my speech, there.”

E)  Anita Hill:  “When I was in his office, he would watch the Lone Ranger and masturbate until Tonto came on.  Then, he would stop.  I don’t know why.  I think its because he hated Indians.”

F)  Clarence Thomas: “My hand STILL hurts from slapping her ass.  Here, Senator Biden.  Smell my hand.  It still smells like Anita Hill’s ass.”

G)  A big, fat lying cock.

It’s leaked, it’s out and it’s in my mouth right now.  Guess what it is.

This is a command, not an option.  I’m not doing this for your personal benefit.

A)  Rhiad and the Bedouins sorta sucks.

B)  If the World sucks.

C)  IRS kinda sucks.

D)  Leave Me Alone blows.

E)  Chinese Democracy blows monkey chunks.

F)  A big, fat Axl cock down the throat of his fans.

Have you heard the one about the gynecologist and the trampoline saleswoman? 

GwimMMrN:

A)  A dusty box full of blood-drained human body parts.

B)  Toilet necessities.

C)  Sunshine blown so far up my ass that my sneezes glow in the dark.

D)  The one about the gynecologist and the trampoline saleswoman.

E)  A big, fat history-in-the-making cock.

What are you waiting for?  Guess!

A)  Blue light.

B)  Baby mice.

C)  Two demented, wasted, spoiled youths who must’ve spent the previous hour beating up on each other, by the looks of it.

D)  DISTURBING VIDEO.

E)  Amy WineMouse’s fucked up big fat cock.

The following shipment of United Nations goodies to Myanmar, AKA BURMA, has recently entered my mouth.  Guess what’s in there right now:

A)  Fuck-me pumps for the hot chicks without food, water, or shelter in Myanmar.

B)  Crackers, really salty crackers.

C)  10,000 can-openers but no cans.

D)  A lifeboat with a hole in the bottom.

E)  Condoms.

F)  Souvenirs from the United Nations gift shop.

G)  One free ticket out of Myanmar scotch-taped to the underside of Ban Ki-moon’s cock. 

H)  A big, fat cyclone cock.

The sunburned nose-ticklers would like a word with you, you ass-grabbing cheese-doodling freakazoidal sperm whale!

GwIMrn:

A)  Wet t-shirt contests in Peru.

B)  A blackened eraser, blackened with so much lead rubbings.

C)  Horn-rims.

D)  The Civil War between East and West Cockistan.

E)  A big, fat primary cock.

Say it, don’t spray it, you frog-napping erectiles.

GWIMMRN FUCK FACE:

A)  The neighbor, who said, “shovel my snow?  I’ll make it Worth Your While.”

B)  Yor, The Hunter from the Future.

C)  Liveried Footsoldiers for Christ.

D)  The papal bull’s balls.

E)  Indiana Jones and the Crystal Shotrag.

F)  Honey to the bee.

G)  A big fat worth-your-while-cock.