Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

Remember when GWiMMRN had editions, like it was some news magazine or something?  Well, those days are back.

Guess what’s in my mouth, right now:

A)  The hot chocolate with lil’ chunks of prunes in it that I had before coming to work this morning.

B)  The intense urge to defecate afterwards, especialyl considering that I’m lactose intolerant, somewhat.

C)  The hot chocolate and prunes that slid out of my bunghole in the office bathroom, along with what I had for dinner last night, which was beans and cheese.

D)  The “no wonder you had the shits” you’re probably thinking right now.

E)  That one time in college I came back to my dorm collective bathroom and had to throw up something fierce at oh, around 2:30 a.m. and the guy in the stall next to me who was trying to convince me that having the shits like he had was much worse than throwing up because you’re drunk.

F)  That, to this day, I still don’t think he’s right.

G)  All the things I think but never do.

The worst thing about getting The Brent Scowcroft Treatment is when Brent Scowcroft is giving it to you, he yells, “You’re gettin’ The Brent Scowcroft Treatment!  You’re gettin’ The Brent SCOwcroft Treatment!”

GWiMMRN:

A)  Brent Scowcroft.

B)  The Brent Scowcroft Treatment.

C)  Brent Scowcroft’s op-ed piece.

D)  Brent Scowcroft’s big, fat cock.

MY PENIS IS SALVATION WRAPPED IN FLESH

MY PENIS IS THE PENISIFICATION OF QUID PRO QUO

MY PENIS SPEAKS TRUTH TO POWER

MY PENIS IS YOUR SANTA CLAUS

BAILOUT MY BALLS

MY PENIS IS CANDIDATE NUMBER ONE

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

The sunburned nose-ticklers would like a word with you, you ass-grabbing cheese-doodling freakazoidal sperm whale!

GwIMrn:

A)  Wet t-shirt contests in Peru.

B)  A blackened eraser, blackened with so much lead rubbings.

C)  Horn-rims.

D)  The Civil War between East and West Cockistan.

E)  A big, fat primary cock.

Got a minute?

GWiMMRN:

A)  A spooge-tastic delicacy.

B)  A shit-canned shit-hole.

C)  The Feces of the President of the Ewenited States of America.

D)  The hair on your keyboard. 

E)  The U.S.S. Jerk-Off Queen.

F)  The pig that fell from the balcony of an apartment building and killed a guy.

G)  A big, fat monster cock jam.

And if you don’t like that, you can SUCK.  MY.  DICK.

 *pause*

BLAM!

GwimmRN:

A)  A caramel covered rice cake that was as delicious as a buttermilk fart sandwich (Heather Mills’ ass cheeks are the “bread” to the buttermilk fart sandwich, doncha know).

B)  Transaction fees.

C)  50 ants writhing and dying in a lil’ plate of honey.

D)  *crunch* *crunch* this is good honey what’s in it *crunch* *blorrrp*

E)  Things never to say to people whom you owe money who may be carrying a gun and who may have been drinking all night.

F)  Frank Discussion, P.I.

G)  A big.  Fat.  Cock.  BLAM!

Folks, there’s no time like the present… toguesswhat’sinmymouthrightnow!  You know why, folks?  I’ll tell ya.  Because I’m forehead-deep in a Mountain of Crap.  That’s right.  There’s so much going on right now, I don’t even have time to chew watermellon bubilisious. 

So, get your toilet-paper Sherpas and climb the Mountain of Crap.  GWiMMRN:

A)  LOLA.

B)  Dimlah Tea that’s too hot to drink.

C)  The mistake of deciding to live with room-mates who are not your family and who feel like they own the joint and can do whatever the fuck they want.

D)  Colic!

E)  Martyrdom.

F)  My old job, re-purposed as a new one, like a shot-rag re-purposed as an ascot.

G)  More work than you can shake a stick at.

H)  The Big Fat Cock of Life.

I’ve taken some time to visit my favorite celebrities so that I can put things relating to them into my mouth.  Guess, you FUCKERS, which one or two they might be:

A) Brad Renfro’s chocolate starfish, filled with strawberry ice cream (the kind with real bits of strawberry in it that get all icy)

B) All the pills Heath Ledger didn’t eat

C) Scarrllett Johhannssssonn’s wedding cake topper, repurposed as Larry “Bud” Melman’s last butt plug

D) Britney Spears’s menses-stained tights:

E) A big, fat cock

Oh, donut time is nigh, my little bottle-openers.  The donut is IN.  THE.  OVEN.  It’s piping hot and ready to go.  But this isn’t really about donuts, is it?  No no, my barf-bag concertos, this isn’t about donuts AT ALL.

Guess, what’s, in, my, mouth, right, now,

A)  Gustav Mahler’s “Dickwibbling Concerto for Flutes.”

B)  Martha Reeves and the Shot-Rag Choir.

C)  Donuts… or Africa?

D)  Joyce DeWitt, whom I thought was the one who died recently, because somehow I got her mixed up with Suzanne Somers and Suzanne Pleshette.  See, Joyce DeWitt and Suzanne Pleshette look alike, and, well, never mind.

E)  The great Irish memoirist, Shanky McFuckchops.

F)  A, big, fat, c,o,c,k,

It’s a GWiMMRN world.  Welcome.

Now guess, fuckhead.

A) A brutal fisting with month-old mayonnaise as the lubricant

B) Three diamond rings with bits of rectal skin, prostate shavings, and blood stuck in the fitting

C) Hot cheese

D) Donald Trump’s coif, not unlike the adorable little ass hairs in the chocolate starfish of Camryn Manheim

E) Potato pancakes, all crispy and oniony and hot for Hanukkah

F) Badger balls, all chewy and salty and cold for Kwanzaa

G) A big, fat coque

I work so hard, and this is the thanks I get.  Non-focusing.  Nobody cares.  I don’t know why I bother.  I DON’T KNOW.

But I’m bothering now, because I have a MISSION.  To put things in my mouth and to have you guess what they might or might not be.  So do what you’ve been told to do, and guess:

A) An accident

B) An “on-purpose”

C) The butterfly I have trained to land on my penis when it is erect and drink the “nectar” from the tip

D) An Indian sweat lodge, sans Injuns

E) A happy child

F) The color BROWN

G) A Happy Meal™

H) A big, fat COCK

Look.

Look.

The lack of FOCUSing on this website is unbelievable.  There’s so little focusing that even if you tried to NOT focus, you’d be doing a better job.  You think you’re funny, or cute?  This isn’t about your job, your pins and needles.  It’s not about Miles, the cat with testicles the size of walnuts (MIA).  It’s not about what happened before, or what’s outraging you NOW.  It’s about WHAT’S IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW.

So guess.  Guess!  GUESS!  GUESS, FOR SHIT’S SAKE, ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?

A) A hockey game

B) A beverage

C) A meal

D) A friend

E) A brother

F) A big, fat cock

Aloysius Snuffleupagus would be very proud if you would count to 10 before doing anything RASH.  By RASH, I mean not focusing.

GWiMMRN:

A)  The Final Countdown.

B)  Lunch, not Launch!

C)  My soft pendulums.

D)  Fun that can be had by all.

E)  I said big fat cock, not big fat cock!

I had one heck of a dinner last night.  GWiMMRN that keeps on coming back up:

A)  Carrot, Potatoe and Magaga Soup.

B)  The fat-filled pulled chicken I couldn’t eat anymore of, so I dumped it in the toilet.

C)  Prune jerky: the name my wife gave to a dried prune that was leathery tough.

D)  A deep fart that smelled as bad as it sounded.

E)  A fatty big, fat cock.

Whew!  Had to get that off my chest. 

Okay, I’m fine now.  Guess what’s in my mouth right now, if you please:

A) The Horsehead Nebula.  I mean, all of it

B) A piggie’s curlicue tail, bitten off by an angry real estate saleswoman

C) Lasagna rollatini

D) Sleep

E) Freshly grated parmigiano reggiano

F) Freshly grated wombat penises

G) A big, fat clock

UPDATE: The answer may now be: H) A yellow shark fin