Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

Remember when GWiMMRN had editions, like it was some news magazine or something?  Well, those days are back.

Guess what’s in my mouth, right now:

A)  The hot chocolate with lil’ chunks of prunes in it that I had before coming to work this morning.

B)  The intense urge to defecate afterwards, especialyl considering that I’m lactose intolerant, somewhat.

C)  The hot chocolate and prunes that slid out of my bunghole in the office bathroom, along with what I had for dinner last night, which was beans and cheese.

D)  The “no wonder you had the shits” you’re probably thinking right now.

E)  That one time in college I came back to my dorm collective bathroom and had to throw up something fierce at oh, around 2:30 a.m. and the guy in the stall next to me who was trying to convince me that having the shits like he had was much worse than throwing up because you’re drunk.

F)  That, to this day, I still don’t think he’s right.

G)  All the things I think but never do.

I’ve never left.

GWiMMRN:

A)  Bacon donuts.

B)  Bacon Doughnuts.

C)  Bacon balls nuts.

D)  The FACT that bacon donuts are produced from the sweaty underside of Satan’s balls.  And remember, it is VERY VERY HOT in Hell and Satan sweats A LOT.

E)  A big fact cock with a bacon doughnut on top.

MY PENIS FETCHED A RECORD PRICE AT SOTHEBY’S

MY PENIS APPEALS TO A BROAD SWATH OF AMERICANS

SARAH PALIN PUT MY PENIS ON SALE AT EBAY

THE BRIDGE TO NOWHERE LEADS DIRECTLY TO MY BALLS

MY PENIS WILL HAVE HIS DAY IN COURT

YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME ENDS AT THE BASE OF MY PENIS

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

I NEVER get tired of the Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill debate.  I talk about it all day and all night to people I meet on the street whose feet are too slow to flee.  The following are snippppets of the unvarnished testimony given to Senator “Dong Slapper” Biden and his colleagues at the Senate Judiciary Committee back in 199whatever.

A)  Anita Hill: “He would put cuffs on me, tie up my hair and yell Proust quotations at me until I fell asleep with his dick in my mouth.”

B)  Clarence Thomas: “I slapped her ass so many times my hand would get tired, Senator.  DOG TIRED.”

C)  Anita Hill: “He said that he would allow me to file an amicus brief before the Supreme Court someday if only I would strip down into my Underoos and do jumping jacks while he fellated the neighbor’s weiner-dog.  I did not believe him then and I do not believe him now that he would be able to do what he said he would do for me.”

D)  Clarence Thomas: “I did ask her on occasion to call me Long Dong Silver.  That part is true, gentlemen.  And ladies.  Sorry.  Didn’t mean to be gender discriminatory with my speech, there.”

E)  Anita Hill:  “When I was in his office, he would watch the Lone Ranger and masturbate until Tonto came on.  Then, he would stop.  I don’t know why.  I think its because he hated Indians.”

F)  Clarence Thomas: “My hand STILL hurts from slapping her ass.  Here, Senator Biden.  Smell my hand.  It still smells like Anita Hill’s ass.”

G)  A big, fat lying cock.

Have you heard the one about the gynecologist and the trampoline saleswoman? 

GwimMMrN:

A)  A dusty box full of blood-drained human body parts.

B)  Toilet necessities.

C)  Sunshine blown so far up my ass that my sneezes glow in the dark.

D)  The one about the gynecologist and the trampoline saleswoman.

E)  A big, fat history-in-the-making cock.

Say it, don’t spray it, you frog-napping erectiles.

GWIMMRN FUCK FACE:

A)  The neighbor, who said, “shovel my snow?  I’ll make it Worth Your While.”

B)  Yor, The Hunter from the Future.

C)  Liveried Footsoldiers for Christ.

D)  The papal bull’s balls.

E)  Indiana Jones and the Crystal Shotrag.

F)  Honey to the bee.

G)  A big fat worth-your-while-cock.

And if you don’t like that, you can SUCK.  MY.  DICK.

 *pause*

BLAM!

GwimmRN:

A)  A caramel covered rice cake that was as delicious as a buttermilk fart sandwich (Heather Mills’ ass cheeks are the “bread” to the buttermilk fart sandwich, doncha know).

B)  Transaction fees.

C)  50 ants writhing and dying in a lil’ plate of honey.

D)  *crunch* *crunch* this is good honey what’s in it *crunch* *blorrrp*

E)  Things never to say to people whom you owe money who may be carrying a gun and who may have been drinking all night.

F)  Frank Discussion, P.I.

G)  A big.  Fat.  Cock.  BLAM!

*frrpt*  That’s right, folks.  FARTS.  Mouth Junior is all about farting these days.  His FI, or Fart Intelligence, is higher that your IQ.  And he’s just an INFANT.  Imagine his Farting Intelligence when he reaches your old age?  He is the master.  You will learn from him.

But, sometimes, he can’t fart.  And this troubles him.  Yes, it does.  It troubles him more than global warming troubles Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  Mouth Junior’s epic battles with his infantile gas-release system is the subject of this day’s GWiMMRN:

A)  The Fart that Just Won’t Come.

B)  A lot of stomach contractions but nothin’ doin’.

C)  Crying, yelling, screaming at the top of one’s lungs.

D)  Finally, a short flutter blast.

E)  The series of luscious farts that finally escape the steel trap that is Mouth Junior’s colon.

F)  Screaming and crying anyway, as if the volley of farts that ensued was just not good enough.

G)  A big, fat cockfart.

That’s right.  I said “turkey gravey.”  Get over yourself and just guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) SotU

B) Babisiosis

C) Orecchiete

D) Bidet

E) Elephant

F) Big, fat cock

I’ve taken some time to visit my favorite celebrities so that I can put things relating to them into my mouth.  Guess, you FUCKERS, which one or two they might be:

A) Brad Renfro’s chocolate starfish, filled with strawberry ice cream (the kind with real bits of strawberry in it that get all icy)

B) All the pills Heath Ledger didn’t eat

C) Scarrllett Johhannssssonn’s wedding cake topper, repurposed as Larry “Bud” Melman’s last butt plug

D) Britney Spears’s menses-stained tights:

E) A big, fat cock

A new version of my MOUTH is available!  PLEASE UPDATE NOW.

Then guess:

A) A question about your salary requirements

B) The shocking words: “Ssssssssssssssss… (this is the sound of me releasing my cunt-stink) … ssssssssssssssS”

C) The Case of the Damp Depends and Perennially Bitchy Demeanor

D) The chipped fingernail I found stuck in my balloon knot, if you know what I’m saying

E) The little red dot denoting that something’s recording

F) Ecology!

G) That strange girl who lived in that ramshackle house a few blocks away who let me “kiss it” in the broom closet after the “Up With People” meeting

H) The little red bump on that big, fat cock

Oh, donut time is nigh, my little bottle-openers.  The donut is IN.  THE.  OVEN.  It’s piping hot and ready to go.  But this isn’t really about donuts, is it?  No no, my barf-bag concertos, this isn’t about donuts AT ALL.

Guess, what’s, in, my, mouth, right, now,

A)  Gustav Mahler’s “Dickwibbling Concerto for Flutes.”

B)  Martha Reeves and the Shot-Rag Choir.

C)  Donuts… or Africa?

D)  Joyce DeWitt, whom I thought was the one who died recently, because somehow I got her mixed up with Suzanne Somers and Suzanne Pleshette.  See, Joyce DeWitt and Suzanne Pleshette look alike, and, well, never mind.

E)  The great Irish memoirist, Shanky McFuckchops.

F)  A, big, fat, c,o,c,k,

Look.

Look.

The lack of FOCUSing on this website is unbelievable.  There’s so little focusing that even if you tried to NOT focus, you’d be doing a better job.  You think you’re funny, or cute?  This isn’t about your job, your pins and needles.  It’s not about Miles, the cat with testicles the size of walnuts (MIA).  It’s not about what happened before, or what’s outraging you NOW.  It’s about WHAT’S IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW.

So guess.  Guess!  GUESS!  GUESS, FOR SHIT’S SAKE, ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?

A) A hockey game

B) A beverage

C) A meal

D) A friend

E) A brother

F) A big, fat cock