Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

I just almost sneezed so hard that my jizz fell out.

Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A)  Soy salami and spicey cheese sandwich sandwich.

B)  Multiple multipliers.

C)  An official Hard Rock Cafe: Guantanamo Bay t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off.

D)  Obama’s Totally Excellent Adventure.

E)  A horse, a horse a kingdom for big floppy horse nuts.

F)  An extra pocket in my pants for my penis.

G)  A big, fat cock wrapped around Selena’s dead corpse.

You:  Bread.

Me:  Butter.

My Penis:  The knife.

gwimmrn:

A)  Nutterbutters.

B)  Mustard seeds.

C)  Breast milk fat that looks like scrambled eggs and is really greasy to the touch.

D)  A short-wave radio that plays new-wave music.

E)  The guy who urinated on the sidewalk next to the metro during afternoon rush hour and later screamed something unintelligible.

F)  Flesh for Lulu.

G)  A fleshy, big fat cock.

*frrpt*  That’s right, folks.  FARTS.  Mouth Junior is all about farting these days.  His FI, or Fart Intelligence, is higher that your IQ.  And he’s just an INFANT.  Imagine his Farting Intelligence when he reaches your old age?  He is the master.  You will learn from him.

But, sometimes, he can’t fart.  And this troubles him.  Yes, it does.  It troubles him more than global warming troubles Jesus, Mary and Joseph.  Mouth Junior’s epic battles with his infantile gas-release system is the subject of this day’s GWiMMRN:

A)  The Fart that Just Won’t Come.

B)  A lot of stomach contractions but nothin’ doin’.

C)  Crying, yelling, screaming at the top of one’s lungs.

D)  Finally, a short flutter blast.

E)  The series of luscious farts that finally escape the steel trap that is Mouth Junior’s colon.

F)  Screaming and crying anyway, as if the volley of farts that ensued was just not good enough.

G)  A big, fat cockfart.

MILK.  I MUST HAVE MILK.  That’s what Mouth Junior says, every 1-3 hours, depending on his little mood.  MILK.  GIVE ME THAT LUSCIOUS, TASTY BREAST MILK THAT I CRAVE.

 *ssssppppiiiirrrrttttt!*

GWiMMRN:

A)  Breast milk, not mine.

B)  A slightly dirty breast pump.

C)  MILK.

D)  Uncontrollable screaming that seems amazingly disproportionate to the reason for the screaming. 

E)  The sense that the milk is not forthcoming, and the tangible frustration that this sense produces.

F)  A milk fart so loud, so powerful, that the neighbors called to ask if everything’s alright.

G)  A big fat milkcock.

GO TEAM!

WOO HOO!

Like anyone really should give a flying fuck.  What you should give a fuck about is what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A Superbowl party marred by a wife-beating after the home team bites the big one

B) A Superbowl party marred by someone’s ejaculate in the Lit’l Smokies

C) A Superbowl party marred by the pizza guy coming late because he ran over an old lady on the way to the house

D) A Superbowl party marred by a diaper full of yellow baby shit landing in the chips

E) A Superbowl party enlivened by a big, fat cock

That’s right.  I said “turkey gravey.”  Get over yourself and just guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) SotU

B) Babisiosis

C) Orecchiete

D) Bidet

E) Elephant

F) Big, fat cock

PROPULSION is the name of the game.  PROPEL yourself into a new realm of FOCUSING by guessing wimmrn:

A) That guy in the next stall over at the movie theater restroom getting a blumpkin

B) Notes on shaving your own balls

C) A gallon of cucumber wine

D) Catt “Shitt” Sadler’s sadd little feelings of loneliness

E) A saucer of warm, slimy, pulpy gobs and strands

F) MADM: Mothers Against Drunk Masturbating

G) The house

H) The big, fat cock

UPDATE: The answer may now be I) A life-size replica of the robot from Lost in Space with a life-size anus filled with calf’s liver warmed to a perfect 98.6 degrees, available for only $24,500.00

I’ve taken some time to visit my favorite celebrities so that I can put things relating to them into my mouth.  Guess, you FUCKERS, which one or two they might be:

A) Brad Renfro’s chocolate starfish, filled with strawberry ice cream (the kind with real bits of strawberry in it that get all icy)

B) All the pills Heath Ledger didn’t eat

C) Scarrllett Johhannssssonn’s wedding cake topper, repurposed as Larry “Bud” Melman’s last butt plug

D) Britney Spears’s menses-stained tights:

E) A big, fat cock

It’s a GWiMMRN world.  Welcome.

Now guess, fuckhead.

A) A brutal fisting with month-old mayonnaise as the lubricant

B) Three diamond rings with bits of rectal skin, prostate shavings, and blood stuck in the fitting

C) Hot cheese

D) Donald Trump’s coif, not unlike the adorable little ass hairs in the chocolate starfish of Camryn Manheim

E) Potato pancakes, all crispy and oniony and hot for Hanukkah

F) Badger balls, all chewy and salty and cold for Kwanzaa

G) A big, fat coque

I work so hard, and this is the thanks I get.  Non-focusing.  Nobody cares.  I don’t know why I bother.  I DON’T KNOW.

But I’m bothering now, because I have a MISSION.  To put things in my mouth and to have you guess what they might or might not be.  So do what you’ve been told to do, and guess:

A) An accident

B) An “on-purpose”

C) The butterfly I have trained to land on my penis when it is erect and drink the “nectar” from the tip

D) An Indian sweat lodge, sans Injuns

E) A happy child

F) The color BROWN

G) A Happy Meal™

H) A big, fat COCK