Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

But what is?

A) Bonnie Bedelia’s love-child, unwittingly conceived upon her by Michael Jackson’s mucuous-covered sucker ghost
B) A dozen Nahidmobarekeh-style dough-nuts, each filled with a delicious con-cock-tion of man-custard, bananas, and store-brand mustard
C) Cow-chips Ahoy! cookies
D) Caramel apples dipped in crushed peanuts
E) Dismay that my baked goods aren’t selling as well as I’d hoped, I mean, those dough-nuts took effort, and I’d appreciate some fucking consideration already
F) A big fat cock covered in jujubes for the holiday

Is it a treat… or a trick? GWiMMRN!

A) Roly poly fish heads.
B) Candy Corn Omelet with Creme Fish Sauce Broulee.
C) The bald head of Michael Berryman.
D) A sexy corrections officer costume, complete with vinyl hat and plastic billy club.
E) A vague sense of agitation.
F) A definite sense of agitation.
G) A big, fat cock costume.

Note! Don’t wear Letter G to any middle school functions! It MAY be interpreted as sexual harassment!

My mouth celebrates holidays like Halloween, believe it or not. What’s in there doing the celebrating right now?

A) Bananas in custard
B) Bananas in man-custard
C) A urine-moistened Koran
D) Horehound candy for all the little ones
E) Slices of hot dog cake for all the little ones
F) Doughnuts for all the little ones
G) A big, fat cock for all the little ones

I have a Sixth Sense that My Mouth has something in it!

Yoo hoo! I’m talking to YOU-HOO!

Before you go out on Halloween, see what tricks and treats I got in my mouf!

A) Bruce Willis’ boiling fucking anger.
B) Bonnie Bedelia, because SHE DID IT.
C) A snot-filled Kleenex ghost with mucous for ectoplasm.
D) A sucker ghost with Michael Jackson’s penis instead of a lollipop.
E) A used condom from the backseat of a 1975 Ford Escort GL.
F) Everlasting shame.
G) Everlasting big, fat cock.

Putting something new in there today! What, oh what might it be…

A) A ketchup and mustard homeless hoagie with bouncy, flouncy otter balls
B) Cat shit potstickers (steamed)
C) A Halls Mentho-Lyptus cough drop, honey-lemon flavor
D) Peach pit pie
E) A cupcake from the local elementary school’s bake sale, hot dog flavored
F) Two curling irons covered in Vaseline
G) A big, fat…COCK

Yay for Saturday! On Saturday, I can put something in my mouth! What have I put in there this time?

A) Marlee Matlin’s eardrums
B) One of those faggy little cars that Sulu undoubtedly drives
C) Sulu’s much-abused pooooooooooop shoooooooooooot
D) Bouncy, flouncy otter balls
E) Asshole bruschetta with roasted garlic spread
F) The nibbled-off fingernails of Macaulay Culkin before his first sleepover with Michael Jackson
G) Sulu’s big, fat cock

I’m still all about putting things, events, places, and concepts in there. What’s in there now?

A) Those adorable little toned snatch hairs near Mei Xiang Welch’s chocolate starfish
B) A cosmo made of Japanese pussy-flavored vodka, cranberry juice, and a splash of Clamato
C) Nigel Hollingsworth’s Aunt Francine
D) The King James bible with a suspiciously penis-shaped hollow cut out of the pages
E) Jeffrey Scrotum Bag Barnes’ birth certificate, stating for the record that his real name is Jeffrey Testicle Balls Sweaty Nutsack Scrotum Beanbag Barnes
F) Biscotti Toscani with a nice dish of French Vanilla ice cream and panda pussy sauce
G) A pussy cat
H) A pussy cat with a big, fat cock

Cheerio, Chumly! Pip pip! I’ve got something in my mouth, I do! Want to see it? Do you? Well, come along! Haven’t got all day! Here we go internationale…

Part my lips and gaze into the PRESENT…

A) Tufts of dirty white fur from Mei Xiang’s panda pussy.
B) Green Irish protein shake from Mr. Nutty McFroot-Loop.
C) Sweet sweat from between Moon Bloodgood’s TATA’s.
D) George Takei’s gay labia.
E) Baggy, saggy elephant balls.
F) A small, flacid penis.

update: Some of you are guessing G) The intake of air when I say the word “toward,” which makes my mouth look likes it’s kissing.

This is not right. Please keep guessing.

Ahh! Up early for a new day of putting things in my mouth. What shall I choose to put in there?

A) An FBI profile of the sick individual who conceived and created this blog
B) Camille Bacon-Smith
C) The abrasive, not-particularly adorable stubble hairs on Katie Couric’s untoned suuh-NATCH
D) A gigantic tub of mayonnaise with the mushroom-shaped imprint of Memin Pinguin’s glans in the middle of it
E) A jar of jizz, hold the tea and toast unless the tea is jizz flavored, in which case it’s all right but definitely not the toast
F) Gummi penises in lieu of the usual, as it’s Friday

Ho boys and girls… tell you what. My mouth and I are preparing for sleep. As soon as we leave the office and finally get on home, we’re going straight to the kitchen to prepare us some vittles. yessiree. Here’s a wrinkle; Guess What WIll BE in My Mouth in about, oh, an hour from now:

A) Listerine and urine multitask spectacular.
B) Eye boogers from the sandman’s nocturnal emissions.
C) The Count of Monte Cristo.
D) Tea and Toast.
E) Tea, Toast, and a jar of jizz.
F) sssssssizzeline.
G) A gigabyte of big, fat cock.

Hint: Chances are, it’s been up my arse first.

I lost the hot dog 4 bars ago!

Keep guessing!

If you like the previous installment, honey, you’ll like this one.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Feel the looooooove. Guess…guess what’s in my mooooooouth. Right noow. Ooooooooo, yeah.

A) The Kool-Aid mascot’s huge crimson scrote, glistening with saliva and little crystals of powdered drink mix.
B) Tater twats
C) Harriet Miers’ withdrawal letter, glistening with store-brand mustard and stapled to Sheryl Swoopes’ adorable little ass hairs with extremely tiny staples
D) A chewed-up Bic pen cap
E) A Christmas party invitation inside a hand-made hot dog bun
F) lola’s hand and wrist just past the new watch her mum bought for her
G) A big, fat cock just at the scrote

Hint: The password is: “scrote”

oooo yeah, honey. come on over and see what the mouth is cooking. smell that? oooo yeah.

go on, babe. guess what’s percolating in the honey receptacle.

A) Blue toilet water, made from spitting green mint Listerine into the toilet bowl I just urinated in.
B) Doody bubbles.
C) Howdy Doody’s woody wood pecker.
D) Charlie Brown’s Great Pumpkin.
E) Jon Stewart’s shiny hair helmet.
F) You know what (Hint: it’s a big, fat cock).

mmmmmmm.

If Wednesday’s “Hump Day,” why isn’t Thursday “Bump Day?” And what’s up with humpbacks: why don’t they call them bumpbacks? These are the questions in my mouth today, in addition to what else:

A) Brian Dennehy’s meat farts
B) Those adorable little ass hairs near D’Angelo’s sweaty starfish
C) The Baby Jesus
D) Those adorable little ass hairs near the Baby Jesus’s starfish
E) A pint of tartar sauce, gargled
F) Birthday cake (not hot dog flavored)
G) A big, fat cock

*yawn* *OW!* Boy, is My Mouth sore! I’ve been cramming things in there like there’s no tomorrow!

Before my after lunch nap, and whilst I yawn, please take a moment and tell me what’s going on in There:

A) A dollop of sweat from the lowest portion of D’angelo’s tummy fat roll.
B) Sheryl Swoopes’ gay labia.
C) Raquel Welch’s toned snatch.
D) An impassioned WHAAAAAAGH! from seeing Penelope Ann Miller stretch out on the bed during the movie The Shadow.
E) A photoshopped picture of Michelle Malkin’s kung fu hustled pubes.
F) A photoshopped picture of a big, fat cock, made to look much larger than it could possibly be.