Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

Find out what it means to me! GWiMMRN!

A) A tall glass of pulque.
B) The heydey of Primo Tapia.
C) Aretha Franklin’s various and sundry genitalia.
D) A greeezy pooork sandwich served in a dirrrty ashtray.
E) Two coloured pencils, unsharpened.
F) The entire year of 1986.
G) A solar powered calculator, formerly up Kelly LeBrock’s suh—-NATCH.
H) 8—————–> (u get the picture, baby).

Gag me with a spoon! Can you, like, guess? Y’know? Like, what’s, like, in my mouth, y’know, right now?

A) A Valley Girl’s postadolescent suhhhh-NATCH, elaborately styled, moussed, and dyed
B) A family of filthy, dirty, unwashed, thieving GYPSIES, a whole goddamn FAMILY of ‘em, trapped inside a European Kow Kunt
C) A low, cautious grunt made in the stall of a crowded restroom by someone who doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s trying to take a shit
D) Uncooked Ramen noodles with extra sodium
E) *nnnnnngh* *plip* *plip* *PLOP* *hhhhhhahhh*
F) A plate of grilled bat penises with a sauce made of a reduction of white wine, butter, shallots, and asparagus piss
G) A nasty, brown, sweat-caked, big, fat GYPSY COCK

I KNOW you were thinking about something other than my mouth and what goes in it today. I just KNOW it. How many times do I have to say it? FOCUS. FOCUS on my mouth.

Okay? Still with me? Fine. Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A freshly-raped cherry pie
B) A cute little golden Labrador puppy, tail wagging
C) A peanut butter and bacon sandwich, except that the peanut butter is actually a three-ply sheet of heavily-used toilet paper, the bread is actually an agglomeration of 5,000 gypsies’ toe cheese pressed into a loaf-like shape, and the bacon turned out to be the glistening caul covering the human brain (known as the meninges) so it’s not a peanut butter and bacon sandwich at all, but rather a horribly sickening toe cheese, paper, shit, and brain sandwich that no one would even think of eating
D) A run-on sentence
E) Chivychivychivychivychivy
F) Spermacuticles, which may be explained later
G) Gokor’s big fat gokorriffic COCK

YEEEEHAWWWW! That’s right, pardners! Saddle up on Teethsday and ride ’til all you see are uvulas on the horizon! Comfy? Great! Now guess!

A) Harmaceuticals, such as heroin and crack cocaine.
B) Spermaceuticals, which need no explanation.
C) Cuticles, not mine.
D) The lil’ critters livin’ in my pubic follicles.
E) A vicious whiff of mustard.
F) The false hope that the word “rugose” was retired when Lovecraft died.
G) A yellowed copy of The Lord’s Prayer as written in shorthand.
H) H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthuloid Cock.

…in my mouth. Yes, there are! All kinds of things! They’re in there right now, as a matter of fact! Any idea what these things are? Well, they’re at least one of the things listed below, if not two or even three:

A) Liquid paper poured all over my waggling tongue
B) The large, pink nipples adorning lola’s low-hanging jubbblies
C) Some truly appalling poetry about a diner, angst-filled and trite
D) A frilly toothpick, covered in oleoresin capsicum and inserted in the urethra of lola’s ex
E) The adorable little ass hairs stuck in between George Washington’s wooden false teeth
F) The adorable little snatch hairs concealing this rugose delectation
G) The word “rugose,” previously only seen in the Lovecraft short story, The Shadow Out of Time
H) The Great Race of Yith, all of ‘em
I) Shifty McPenis’s foightin’ Oirish cohck

UPDATE: The answer is not J) The thin, spermless semen occasionally permitted to escape from Ashton Kutcher’s horribly abused penis. That will never go in my mouth, ever.

It’s true. What else is true is that I’ve got something in my mouth. Right now. The truth is, you’ll never be happy unless you guess what it is:

A) A gram of Oil of Olay Smoothing Overnight Wrinkle Cream, licked out of Kate Capshaw’s rugose TUHHHHH-WAT
B) The call football announcers make when the offense runs the ball past the end zone
C) The horrible barking sounds William Sadler made while he was frantically jerking off in front of Liam Neeson and Chris O’Donnell
D) Your flash disk after it had been mistakenly repurposed as a heroin addict’s suppository for several days
E) The wad of faux jism thrown at Jodie Foster’s face in Silence of the Lambs
F) Madonna’s red Kabba-lahhhhh bracelet, deliberately repurposed into a cock-rope Demi Moore tied so tightly around Ashton Kutcher’s peter that the head has turned a dark shade of blackish purple
G) The tiny silver bell attached to the cock-rope designed to jingle whenever Ashton has lustful thoughts about preadolescent boys
H) *ring ring*
I) Multiple Miggs’s big, fat, faux jism-shooting cock

Hark! GWiMMRN!

A) Crow.
B) A big honkin’ pubic hair previously perched precariously on the toilet’s rim.
C) The smegmatic flu.
D) Your flash disk. Yes, yours.
E) A bagel with dingleberrilicious Kraft cream cheese.
F) An ink pen.
G) A safety pin.
H) An inky safety cock pen pin.

Well, hello everybody! It’s time everyone said grace before I put something else in my mouth. Ready? Clasp hands and say the following:

“Thank you, whomever you are, for putting all manner of things in your capacious maw. We appreciate the bounty that you put in there and the care in which you lovingly treat your oral guests.

TOUCHDOWN!”

Okay! Now, it’s time to guess what delish morsel is securely fastened to my majestic molars RIGHT NOW:

A) Kate Capshaw’s wrinkly smile.
B) Beanie Babies!
C) A long, thin piece of barn-straw extracted from the anus of Lady Chatterly.
D) A rusty rail-road spike extracted from the skeletal remains of an 1800’s Chinese migrant worker.
E) Gluten.
F) Hysteria! (Oh can you feel it,(Oh can you feel it) Do you believe it, (Do you believe it) It’s such a magical, mysteria when you get that feelin’,(When you get that feelin’) Better start believin,(Better start believin’)Cause it’s a miracle, oh say you will, ooh babe).
G) Rick Allen’s big, fat, mysterious, hysterical cock.

May the Lord Jesus bless you and keep you, even though even He knows that you must first pray to my mouth before your prayers reach His ears. Verily, you must also guess what may be in my mouth right now, lest ye be burned forever in the Lake of Fire:

A) The Wool of the Lamb, used to line a device intended to “enhance your solitary pleasures”
B) The Skin of the Lamb, turned into a very holy box of condoms
C) Pre-Christmas jitters, where everyone wonders what they’re going to buy for My Mouth
D) Lamb shit
E) B.B. King’s sweet, diabetic urine, frozen into popsicles bearing the label “Pissin’ the Blues”
F) Michele’s ungh ungh ungh cucumber
G) The Big, Fat, Cock of the Lamb

Okay. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to guess what’s in my mouth right now. You have to go for the gold. You have to catch this hail-Mary pass and run it all the way for the game-winning oral touchdown. Failure is not an option. Here are your choices:

A) An extra-large tube of store-brand hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid cream, needed to relieve the agony of post-Thanksgiving stool strain (mostly empty)
B) An Applebee’s moist towelette, sneaked from the back room of the restaurant and repurposed as an applicator for the store-brand hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid cream
C) What I later found under my fingernail when I realized that the towelette tore under the pressure
D) The deepest, darkest erotic fantasies that Cheryl Kratic of Peculiar, Missouri would never ever reveal to her husband (they involve an Easy Bake Oven, a live badger, and a bottle of Astroglide)
E) A fried egg sandwich on a hamburger bun with extra bacon and a dash of Cholula sauce
F) Dora the Explorer’s big, fat, lesbian cock

I am here to let you know that you should still give thanks for my cyclopean maw. In honor of the anticipation of your thanks, I have stuffed more than just stuffing in my mouth:

A) The strain from post-Thanksgiving constipation that I’m sure everyone gets on black friday.
B) Intergalactic War!
C) Little dark brown balls of stinky giblet shits.
D) The biggest, sweetest smelling bar of soap you’ve ever seen after sloshing around in that hot-tub.
E) Spoim.
F) A big, fat cock bought at a black friday sale in the boondocks of Bumblefuck, WI.

Wheeeeeeeeew! Thank God I don’t always SWALLOW what’s in my mouth, or else my stomach would have exploded long ago. This Thanksgiving was an awesome spectacle, and I only wish everyone could have seen it. Perhaps next year, I’ll make sure it’s televised. Anyway, I’m going to make this edition of GWiMMRN an easy one:

A) A really, REALLY, REALLY catastrophically bad case of the turkey trots
B) The small fart that I’d tried to ease out after dinner with the whole family that turned out to be much louder and significantly wetter than I’d originally hoped
C) Uncle Ned’s bark of commiserating laughter when from the smell, he and everyone else deduced that I’d shat myself
D) The vaguely “Y”-shaped brown mark I left on the white couch cushion as a consequence of my GI tract betraying me
E) The plastic sheet they made me sit on the rest of the evening because I could no longer be trusted
F) The horrible, shimmery, aquamarine pantsuit my cousin was wearing that I’d earlier seen worn by an inner-city streetwalker, except that my cousin’s pantsuit didn’t have dirty knees or a suspicious rusty-brown stain at the crotch
G) The slurry of toothpaste and saliva that came out of my nose when, laughing to myself and brushing my teeth, I tried to think of a way to communicate what happened with both pathos and realism
H) A big, fat cock slathered in Imodium

I can’t BELIEVE it’s already here! THANKSGIVING! To consecrate this totally awesome holiday, all will now give thanks to my mouth. Go on. I’ll wait.

Done? Good. I plan to stuff so much stuff into my overstuffed mouth that even Jesus Christ Himself will look over and go, “Motherfucker. THAT cat’s got a lot of stuff in his mouth.” I will amaze the gods themselves, and cause the angels to tremble in awe at my maw’s CYCLOPEAN majesty. You have a task too, you know, and it’s not just thanking GOD for my mouth. You have to Guess What’s in My Mouth RIIIIIIIIIGHT NOW! Go go go!

A) A bad case of the turkey trots
B) The glistening yellow-and-black goober Uncle Ned accidentally hawked up on the sweet potatoes after having smoked too many of those cheap plastic-tipped cigarillos
C) The saliva and mucus-slimed hole in Uncle Ned’s throat that he uses to speak out of with the aid of an electronic device that makes him sound like Stephen Hawking
D) Stephen Hawking’s latest diaper leavings after a week-long diet of only cranberry sauce and uncooked chorizo
E) A steaming, bubbling hot tub full of mixed store-brand turkey gravy and Pepto-Bismol
F) Shock and outraged horror that my sick pastime is used to defile a great American tradition
G) A mask of moist, uncooked turkey giblets that I plan to wear all day while tooling around the neighborhood with my pants down around my ankles and mashed potatoes on my dingus, shouting, “IT’S WHAT THE FUCKIN’ PILGRIMS DID! IT’S WHAT THE FUCKIN’ PILGRIMS DID! GIVE THANKS, MOTHERFUCKERS!”
H) YOUR turkey dinner. Yes, YOURS
I) A big, fat pilgrim cock

Give thanks, you tough sponges! Thanks for stuff to stuff stuff in your stuff-holes! OH YEAH. You don’t have to be a paraplegic mailperson to appreciate today’s almost-Thanksgiving moisterrific morsels that occupy my labial intentions!

A) Tequila! Bum bada ba ba bum paaaa!
B) Bai Ling’s flop-sweat.
C) Wonderboy!
D) Kim Bassinger’s crazy ass.
E) Mark Harmon’s gonads.
F) Turkey-baster deluxe.
G) A deluxuriffic big, fat cock.

Holy Christ! Fuck fuck fuck! I’m DANCING with excitement here! Thanksgiving is almost upon us! I’ve had to change my shorts seventeen times in the last five minutes! You’ll be at least as excited as me when you guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A happy Japanese woman
B) Raw turkey giblets served in SNATCH gravy, oh YEAH
C) A half-chewed laxative suppository (whoops, wrong end!)
D) This website (oo oo! The further implications!)
E) A condom for the greater of two penises
F) The crunchy topping of an entire casserole of cornbread stuffing, eaten while no one was looking
G) A big, fat, suckery octopus cock