Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

MotherFUCKchunks! It’s almost a new year! I’ve got 365 WHOLE DAYS to stuff stuff into my mouth! Can you BELIEVE it? Or, more importantly, can you FOCUS? FOCUS on my mouth?

I’m waiting…

Okay. Now that you’re in my mouth’s “zone,” guess what’s in it.

A) Eugene’s oft-gripped towelrack
B) A magnum of Dom Perignon, drunk out of Tara Reid’s sweaty brar
C) A nice serving of Chicken Chow Mein, left out in the warm Spring sun for a week in one of those places where the sun shines six months out of the year
D) Canada, all of it
E) The thin load Sheppy plans to launch all over his belly while he flogs his bishop to thoughts of gay sex with this surprised looking turd
F) Sheppy’s shotrag with Dan’s teethmarks embedded in it
G) A big, fat, Chicken Chow Mein-covered COCK for the new year

To quote Conan, “Enough talk! Guess what’s in my mouth right now!”

A) These two girls, minus the orange-peach coloured thing that looks like a hairy cock and balls
B) lola’s potentially nonexistent parenting skills
C) lola’s uterus, AKA the biological clock that keeps ticking…and ticking…and ticking…
D) Dork Hunters, AKA vampire porn that substitutes blood for jism as its biological fluid of choice, yum yum
E) A shit-snowsicle hanging off the smelly end of this little fucker here
F) The wish that he would just shut up already and stop plaguing the Inter-Web
G) Sheppy’s red, chapped lips from having blown too many dead rats (thought I’d forgotten about you, Sheppy, didn’t you)
H) A big, fat, Austrian Conan cock

Guessing what’s in my mouth right now is more fun than a carafe of snow monkeys! Go on!

A) Snow monkey!

B) Babushkas!
C) The air nozzle of a horribly abused plastic love doll.
D) The Colonel’s Chickin.
E) SpGum, the misguided attempt to market gum to gum-popping cum-guzzling queens.
F) Camomille Tea, piping hot.
G) A big, fat cock, piping hot.

UPDATE: It is definitely not H) These two girls, though it’s not a bad idea.

I’ll bet you ain’t! It’s okay. My mouth takes some getting used to. But once you do, I know you’ll love it. LOVE IT. Just focus right now. FOCUS on MY MOUTH. Focused? You there yet? Excellent. Now that you can think of nothing but my mouth, try to guess what’s in it:

A) A snot rocket Hot Pocket, America’s Favorite Stuffed Sandwich
B) The horribly deformed and retarded love-child of Sheppy and this surprised looking turd
C) A boil on the ass of the Internet
D) lola’s smiley little repercussions
E) The delicious little dingleberries clinging to the adorable little ass hairs near Jessica Alba’s starfish
F) The fact that I can never go to the beach and see a starfish again without thinking of adorable little ass hairs
G) A place for Eugene to rest his exhausted little balls
H) The misshapen, anemic cock belonging to the horribly deformed and retarded love-child of Sheppy and this surprised looking turd

That’s right. Stuffing stuff in there like there is NO tomorrow. Go on, and stuff yourself silly.

Before you do, guh-guh-guess what’s in my mouth right now!

A) A cell phone.
B) Double-Beat Loaf.
C) Death and destruction after 50 hours of marriage.
D) A Cheese Doodle canoodled from the corner of Ashley Hartman’s box.
E) Shifty McPenis’ fat, greasy, green milk-shake.
F) A big, fat grease-filled cock.

From here on in, Wednesdays will be referred to as “Bump Days.” They also happen to be the days where I get to put all sorts of things in my mouth. Can YOU guess what’s in there right now? Sure you can:

A) Eugene’s unsightly bulge, likely as a consequence of having read his favorite magazine, Chicken Little
B) A length of chorizo that bears a suspicious resemblance to a huge turd with a string stuck in it
C) The Poconos
D) Eugene’s joyless meat with Sheppy’s spit all over it (come on out Shepster, you little cocksucker, you)
E) The uncomfortable feeling that I should sort of lay off that homosexual reprobate Sheppy, already…just tone it down a little
F) Rat turd rice krispies treats stuck between a pair of dentures, not mine
G) Some old fuck trundling around with his piss-damp diapers falling down, mumbling, “Where’th mah teef? Where’th mah teef?”
H) Eugene’s big, fat cock (the dog, not the person)

The best things in life are FWEEEEE!

gwImmrn:

A) Poor Sheppy, whose only crime was to say something I vaguely didn’t care for.
B) A 14 hour bad mood.
C) Chorizo!

D) Soy Chorizo, the Meatless Joy of the South South West.
E) 50% off a big, fat cock (take an extra 10% off with your GWiMMRN Visa Card).

Get ready, because 2006 will be a banner year for my mouth. I plan to stuff so much in there of so many species, flavors, shapes, and sizes that you just won’t know what to expect next…except that it will be wonderful. Guess, then, which wonderful, lovely thing is in my mouth right now:

A) A tobacco spit-cup popsicle
B) A hot cocoa douche (with marshmallows)
C) This little asshole’s manifesto
D) Eugene’s wife’s big black dildo with dog piss all over it
E) A peanut brittle and cashew butter ice-cream sandwich
F) Sheppy’s latest copy of Ampu T-and-A: The Adult Magazine for Cripple Enthusiasts, with the pages all stuck together with his thin, spermless semen
G) A big, fat, marshmallow-strewn cock

That’s right. Jesus’s birthday was YESTERDAY. Why are you not at work? What, hungover on Spooch-Nog? GET BACK TO WORK.

You still know my policy. GWiMMRN:

A) Spooch-Nog.
B) An urban bum, living off the “land.”
C) A suburban bum, living off the “parents.”
D) Something that tastes great fresh out of the oven.
E) The Fruit Compote Shits, with attendant flatulence.
F) A long, low, mournful wail of a fart, tooted whilst passing a hundred little shitlets that tumble forth like marbles out of a velvet bag.
G) A big, fat Canadian Boxing Day cock, eh?

Still working on the big GWiMMRN Xmas Revelation (Sheppy fucked it all up), but I found time to put something in my mouth.

Quick! Guess! What is it!?!

A) A terrible case of the ham shits from eating way too much pork last night, worse than the turkey trots of Thanksgiving in that my feces is a weird yellow-green color and more or less the consistency of dijon mustard
B) Hamchunk
C) A little dead grey orb caught between my teeth ;
D) Reindeer jism
E) Something that tastes GREAT fresh out of the oven
F) Jolity (sic) and frivilous (sic) gifts
G) The slender li’l peepee belonging to Cogbox, Santa’s Chief Toymaking Elf

Well, you’re not going to get it. You know why? I’ll tell you why. It’s that dick-nozzle Sheppy. That’s right, Sheppy. He fucked it ALL UP. I was all ready to tell you all about the true meaning of Christmas and how it relates to my mouth, but that endlessly masturbating Sheppy jerked off all over my carefully prepared notes. I had to kick his shit-stained ass all over town while he moaned and gobbled and wept and pissed himself like a little fucking seven-year-old girl.

I may be able to reconstruct my carefully prepared post, but it will require a great deal of work. Sheppy also scrawled love notes to Sabine Ehrenfeld in his own diarrhea all over the paper, so don’t expect a perfect translation.

Sorry. I’m so mad right now I barely have ANYTHING in my mouth.

Indeed! It’s Xmas Day and Santa’s Nut Sack is PREGNANT with man-custard! And he just keeps slopping it over everybody’s house for goodness sake. Ungh! Donner UNGH! Blitzen UNGH! UNGH! UNGH! Rudolph OH YEAH.

GWiMMRN

A) 8—>
B) 8—–>
C) 8——->
D) 8———>
E) 8———–>
F) 8————->
G) 8——————-> ~~~~~~~

HINT: It tastes GREAT fresh out of the oven.

I can’t tell you how exciting it is for Christmas to be so near. I get to put all sorts of things into my mouth, sanctioned by God Himself! Once you hear the true story of Christmas, you’ll have no choice but to kneel and worship at the feet of my mouth, if my mouth had feet. Those religious jitbags tell you that Jesus is the reason for the season, but they wouldn’t know true Godhood if it came right up and bit off the adorable little ass hairs near their starfishes! Enough ranting. Get on with the guessing of what’s in my mouth right now:

A) Three pounds of candied pussy pemmican to be fed to all the Christmas carolers that will come to my door
B) A nicely chilled glass of eggnog, except that the “egg” is actually a dying cigarette smoker’s gobs and strings of yellow sputum, and the “nog” is curdled clots of really old spooch. I won’t tell you what the “nutmeg” is sprinkled on top, but it has a lot to do with this popular doughnut topping, so it’s not really eggnog at all, but something unimaginably horrible
C) Vomited figgy pudding, whatever the fuck that is
D) The manger little JC first slept in, a gen-u-wine HOLEE relic
E) A cast of the Virgin Mary’s pudendal sphincter made of soft, moisture-resistant foam rubber so every man can feel like Joseph for a night
F) The terrible certainty that I shall be spending the rest of eternity in Gehenna
G) Santa’s big, fat elfy cock

Every Friday night’s a Funky Friday Night in my mouth! Woooooooooo hoo! Get in on the festivities, and guess…what’s…in…my…

My…

Mouthrightnow!

A) The Andrea Doria, with all hands on deck
B) The thrilling, pathos-laden command, “Bring me the tomatoe juice, and a really comfortable sweater.”
C) The buttery white wine that is occasionally allowed to escape my penis in spurts
D) Sheppy’s unspoken but obvious desire to taste a sloppy wad of toilet paper used by Sabine Ehrenfeld after three meals of nothing but hot sauce and gallons of French Vanilla ice cream
E) A digital watch, not mine
F) A big, fat cock, I guess, I mean…I don’t know. Sure

There are no barriers to performance here. Just do it. Do it for your family. Do it for Allah. Do it for the adorable little ass hairs near the Baby Jesus’ starfish. Do it for Buddha, that fat fuck. Just…just…do it. Guess!

A) The terrible, head-shaking disappointment Sheppy’s grandmother were to experience if she only knew not only how often Sheppy masturbated, but the intensity of it and what he thinks of when he does it
B) WAAAAAHHH! FLOPPYTITS WAAAAAAHHH! boo hoo! BOOH HOOOHOOOO!
C) The unholy sacrilege this website has become, when its initial intentions were only honorable and good
D) Underdone French toast with a big gob of congealed butter and imitation maple syrup splattered all over it
E) The really coughy, uncomfortable feeling you get when you accidentally inhale powdered sugar off of a doughnut
F) The kind of guy who squats in the dirt, taking pictures of ’shrooms
G) The Weather Channel
H) The fact that lots of people read this blog, but won’t link to it
I) Sheppy’s big, fat, overmasturbated cock

UPDATE: The answer is not J) Two little dead grey orbs. I cut them off and am now wearing them around my neck like a scrotal pendant.