Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

That’s right, folks. SPACE. The final frontier is in my mouth right now. Manifest destiny demands that the SPACE in my mouth be filled with nouns, verbs, and other accoutrement. gwINmmrn:

A) SPACE.
B) SPACE.
C) The SPACE between Paige Davis’ bowed legs.
D) Dick Slurpee, P.I.
E) Chivalry, which I define as letting you suck it first.
F) SPACE.
G) A big, fat SPACE cock.

All right, soldiers! Elbows and assholes! Move it, move it! Make a hole, you broke-dick collection of ate-up shitbirds! Watching you try to guess what’s in my mouth right now is like watching two monkeys fucking a football! You get one more chance to stand tall before the man and make your mamas proud. Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) The space between my penis and Uranus, which grows ever closer
B) The low crackling sound of your dingleberries rising as your anus aches for the touch of my jaundiced, yellow tongue
C) A smacked ass
D) That time when I grabbed that guy and his bicep like, ripped off the bone, so I stripped away the flesh with my teeth and sucked on his elbow marrow while he screamed in agony
E) Dame Judi Dench who, before embarking on an acting career, was known far and wide across England as being able to shape a gone-over zucchini into a perfectly-detailed replica of Rodin’s The Thinker using only her rectum and ass cheeks
F) The weird, elbow-like bend in this big, fat cock

At least my mouth is there to help you get through the week. Not that my mouth really gives a big fuck about you, but you can at least vicariously experience wonderful things by reading about my mouth and its contents. I hope you’ve read the inspirational message at the bottom of this webpage. If you haven’t, do it. I’ll wait. Okay? Okay. Guess what’s iMMRN:

A) The 7:15 shits
B) Turtle soup, also known as man-custard
C) The guy that did a poopy in his pants on this blog
D) Explosive outgassing
E) The secret desire of every militant Islamist to make a cup of sweet tea from Paris Hilton’s used undergarments and pages from a urine-soaked Qu’ran and drink it all down, ululating, “DAAAAAYYYUM! THASS A GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD PUSSY!”
F) A blast from the past
G) A cock from the Rock

UPDATE: The answer is NOT H) Michele’s sucky weekend. Give the poor girl a break.

I don’t know, but I’M working today. My goodness. You know, this whole thing reminds me of a story about when Paris Hilton was sucking the cum out of Larry “Bud” Melman’s cock. See, I told this joke… I forget what the joke was, but anyway, Paris found it soooo funny that Bud’s baby batter literally flew out of Paris’ nostrils! Bud and I didn’t even stop laughing at the scene long enough to give Paris a towel or anything. Paris was laughing and cursing, with Bud’s yellowish sperm dripping from her nose. Ahhhh. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Yes, it WAS yesterday.

GWiMMRN:

A) Mint flavoured chlorine.
B) Mustard gas from eating too much of French’s Yellow Mustard.
C) A 6 foot long hoagie brimming with Larry “Bud” Melman’s love juices.

D) Da Da-ism.
E) Ji Ji-ism.
F) An inspiring story of courage, hope, and hearts that heal.
G) A big, fat cock.

Workin’ and jerkin’ on a Saturday, that’s me. While you’re sucking my dick, try to guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) Insults and disrespect for all of my readers
B) Sabine Ehrenfeld’s cryogenically frozen left labia majora
C) That time where I told Paris Hilton a joke whilst she was fellating Larry “Bud” Melman and she laughed so hard that sperm shot out of her nose
D) Larry “Bud” Melman’s short, high-pitched little bark at orgasm, sounding like a chihuaha that had just been snapped in the balls with a two-foot-long rubber band
E) A fried smegmada and bacon sandwich
F) The End of My Affair
G) A big, fat, Melmanesque cock

GWiMMRN!

A) Donkey pastrami.
B) Eye boogers, not mine.
C) Chaff, the Bouncy Foreskin.
D) Slippage.
E) Seepage.
F) Chili con carne de matador.
G) A big, fat, carne asada cock.

Update: Suck on my turtle.

I have other body parts too, you know. Not just a mouth. Even so, it’s my mouth that’s what’s important. This website isn’t called “Guess What Shot Out of My Dick a Little While Ago” for a reason. We’re not talking about what’s coming out, but what’s going in. I hope we understand each other. Now guess what’s in my mouth right now, while it’s still in there:

A) Katie Couric’s horribly rugose taint, smothered in cold creamed corn
B) A pair of wet swim trunks that are just chafing your inner thighs so much that you want to just strip them right off and walk around bare-assed to escape the discomfort
C) A pig’s ear dog treat
D) A pig’s penis cat treat
E) A poke in the eye with a sharp stick
F) Three marmite banana split sundaes, eaten one after the other
G) Three marmoset nipples, eaten all at once
H) A big, fat marmoset cock

Welcome to a particularly fluffy edition of GWiMMRN:

A) Economics.
B) Oars n’ Paddles.
C) A creek full of SHIT, i.e. Shit’s Creek.
D) Kooper’s Watershed.
E) The fluffy little kitty.
F) A super-horny Maxim girl who’s just…just…so ready to..to…GO…unghunghungh.
G) Self-loathing that I write about my id like I’m recounting a trip to the grocery store.
H) A buh-buh-buh BIGFATCOCK.

Have you, punk? You better do it now, if you haven’t:

A) A nice dinner cooked by Eugene (the man, not the dog)
B) That loaf of Wonder bread I fucked one lonely night
C) The illicit pleasure you’d feel if you saw an Asian broad puking on a beach where a shark was swimming toward a bunch of people in the water
D) Bruce’s brown, tomatoey Thursday morning shits
E) A death in the family
F) Colin Farrell’s latest used condom, repurposed as a tasty wad of chewing gum that just lasts, like, forever!
G) A BIG, FAT cock

I will overcome all over YOUR FACE. HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously folks, guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) The word on the street.
B) A dozen hairless chiuauas.
C) A calculaTOR.
D) A solar powered dildo.
E) Trudna bogat drveni konj (which is a big, fat horse cock in Serbian, I think).

Update: GERONIMO!!!

Have you shot a load into the mouth of life? Everyone should do it at least once. Of course, I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote that, but it’s totally fucking brilliant, like everything else here. Everything. Else. HERE. Anyhoo, it’s time to engage in the activity that you’re secretly ashamed of but HAVE to do: gWiMmRn:

A) A hot ketchup enema
B) The tiny little fart I heard from the woman in the cubicle next to mine
C) *prrt*
D) The shouted denunciation, “By GOD, Mrs. Haversham! I have put up with the sound and stench of your sickening, wet flatulence long enough! If you do not cease these disgusting antics once and for all, I shall be forced to inform our mutual employer of this OUTRAGE in writing, where it will go into your permanent record for all to see!”
E) A fetus popsicle
F) lola’s desire to throw up in the air
G) Larry “Bud” Melman’s big, fat cock, pulled ruthlessly from this nice lady’s ASSHOLE

UPDATE: The answer is not H) A letter stating, “you suck and here’s why.” That is NOT the answer.

Think about THAT next time you enter the voting booth, you canary-less CanadiEns!

GWIMMrN:

A) Chunky’s Campbell Soup.
B) A dry, yet chunky cough.
C) GLUTIUS MAXIMUS DECIMUS.
D) A devestatingly loud flatulent explosion, something akin to a cruise ship’s horn.
E) Dr. Scardino, the inventor of the modern penile prosthesis way back in 1950.
F) B-B-Q Penis Ribs.
G) A big, fat steel implant.

da da da daDUM. da da da daDUM.

Unless they’re Tuesdays in my mouth, of course! Guess what’s in there right now. Cocksucker.

A) Eugene’s disposable razor, covered in buttery white wine
B) The FACT that if you replace an article like “a,” “an,” or “the” with a personal pronoun like “my” you can make any book, movie, or song title sound more suggestive
C) Amish Sauerkraut Surprise Custard Pie, with the Surprise Custard part being the hot, chunky load of a leprous Amish man
D) The sage advice, “You should definitely shit. No doubt, dude.” which I plan to transfer to bumper stickers that will find themselves on every car I come into contact with
E) The rock group No Doubt, which will undoubtedly be blamed for the trick
F) Dakota Fanning’s baby teeth
G) A big, fat Amish cock

As when he was in my mouth! G’ wan! Guess!

A) A bright pink birthday cake doused with Sophia Choi’s love milk.
B) High culture.
C) The bonfire of my vanities.
D) Adolescent pretensions.
E) A surrogate big, fat cock.

UPDATE: The answer will NEVER BE a coherent pattern of speech by wahhhboohoo.

UPDATE UPDATE: The answer might be F) A kiss on Lil’ Annie’s fannie. But it’s probably not.

And the reason is because I’ve been working hard, putting the finest ingredients on God’s green earth into my mouth. I’m open all day, every day, even on Christmas. Where else do you get that kind of service, except at the 7-11? Nowhere, man. No. Where. So, after giving a brief word of thanks to my mouth, guess what’s in it right now:

A) That uncomfortable quandry you’re in when you have a painful hemo-ruh-ruh-roid and have to take a shit: do you risk it and spray rectal bleeding all over the bowl, or hold it in?
B) The true origin of the chip butty
C) Eugene’s triumphant return to the blogosphere
D) Tu. S. Tin’s deep desire to have Wahhh Boohoo speak to her, which will never happen
E) Chicken fingers covered in Panko bread crumbs and fried until GBD (golden brown and delicious)
F) Hume Cronyn’s last meal, consisting of undigested tofu, a strawberry-banana yogurt smoothie, bran muffins, and an entire kilo of DOG FECES
G) Hume Cronyn’s big, fat cock (sort of)