Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

If you’re like me, and you’re not, you can’t get that wonderful bedtime story out of your head.

“Ah haff to kwist awoun.”

GWiMMRN:

A) A cup of hot chocolate.
B) The Cartoon Network.
C) Emotional damage.
D) Another cup of hot chocolate.
E) A letter to the editor about the way I was treated by that woman and her clit ring.
F) Four little words.
G) (1)A (2)BIG (3)FAT (4)COCK

UPDATE: The answer could now be H) The following chart detailing relative dairy potential 2006-2007

THE RUNGS ON THE CORPORATE LADDER ARE MERELY VEINS IN MY PENIS.

MY PENIS MEETS OR EXCEEDS ALL PERFORMANCE EXPECTATIONS.

YOUR RESUME HAS BEEN USED AS A SHOTRAG, AND MY PENIS PLANS TO ANALLY PENETRATE EVERY ONE OF YOUR REFERENCES.

MY PENIS HAS A COMPANY CAR, A COMPANY CELL PHONE, AND AN EXPENSE ACCOUNT MUCH GREATER THAN ANY OTHER PENIS.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND WILL TAKE DICK-TATION FROM MY PENIS IN HOT SPURTS ALL OVER HER CHEST LATER THIS EVENING.

MY PENIS HAS SHATTERED THE GLASS CEILING IN ORDER TO MAKE ROOM FOR MY BALLS.

MY PENIS GOT TWENTY-SEVEN HOME RUNS DURING THE COMPANY SOFTBALL GAME LAST SUMMER.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

In New Orleans, it’s Mardi Gras. I understand that it’s a gigantic street party where sweaty people get drunk, throw up, and shout “SHOW US YOUR TITS!” to promiscuous, unattractive college girls. And there’re beads. It’s also rumored that Annie Potts plans to gorge herself on spooch, bio back-spatter pancakes, and Spermarang Surprise from today all the way through Lent. The seminal Atkins Diet, so to speak. All this, however, doesn’t mean SHIT. What DOES mean SHIT is what’s in my mouth right now. Guess:

A) The two golden labs that live in the back yard of the house on the corner and wag their tails when I drive by and wave to them
B) Hot buttermilk sprayed from Annie Potts’s floppy funbags
C) Spongy chunks of bitten-off ass-flesh from a dead man’s crack
D) The vague feeling that there may be no more lines to cross, and that this site may have offended everyone it can
E) A hood ornament
F) The dreaded words, “My woung–my woung ich kaup ih yor wing.”
G) More Boyz n the Hood
H) A big, fat cock effervescing with buttery white wine

I didn’t start this thing with Annie Potts, people.

GWiMMRN:

A) The huge dairy potential of Annie Potts.
B) Passenger-side fun-bags that come standard in the new Hummer.
C) Riots in China and India over Yahoo making fun of the Buddha.
D) My hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roids, which feel like microwaved pop-rocks candy moshing in my anus.
E) Annie Potts and a Hummer.
F) Shark! Shark!
G) A big, fat cock in Annie Potts’ covered bridge, if you know what I mean.

Hopefully, you’ve all recovered from an entire weekend of thinking about nothing other than my mouth, and are ready for a brand spanking new week of thinking about my mouth and nothing else. Not clear? Then puzzle it the fuck out. GWiMMRN:

A) A hot, painful rectal vein extruded from the side of your anus like a knuckle
B) A series of wet, sweet farts
C) Toilet humor
D) The Bush Doctrine, which when boiled down to its most basic elements means that you suck it first
E) You, yes you, sucking it first
F) A heartfelt apology to Annie Potts, whose escapades with a large equine mammal should never have become grist for this sickening mill
G) A great big taint punch to the entire Lifetime Network
H) A bruised uterus served in a glass of hot spit
I) A big, fat, ropy-veined cOck

I’m not fooling around here.

GWiMMRN:

A) A series of dry, sour farts.
B) Guacamole and Spinach Dip, two great tastes that give you gas.
C) A box marked FRAGILE, which must mean that the contents inside are of Italian origin.
D) Pain, misery, and hopelessness wrapped up in a bowel rumbling, spritzing, sulfuric acid smelling ripple fart that grabs on with both hands and refuses to leave for, oh, about 3 and a half minutes.
E) Japan.
F) Forensics, forensics, everywhere you look, forensics.
G) A fart so dastardly it makes you sick just thinking it was actually inside you at some point, living with your more healthy bodily fluids like sperm and gastric acids.
H) A three-way teleconference with my lips, my teeth, and my toungue.
I) A three-way teleconference with my balls, my cock, and your mouth.

The answer is definitely not J) This picture from the yahoo.com webmail portal that viciously makes fun of Chinese people:

I trust that everyone’s having a great Lord’s Day? Excellent. I also trust that you’ve been FOCUSING on my mouth and its contents all week long? Spiffy! I love Sundays. LOVE ‘EM. You know why, I bet. GWiMMRN:

A) A really big, life-affirming dump that unfortunately resulted in a hem-uh-ruh-ruh-roid that feels like a red-hot penny stuck to the side of my asshole
B) Jordan’s little broken heart, to go with her little yeast infection
C) A big loaf of sourdough bread, baked in a warm, moist little oven
D) Spermarang Surprise
E) Shock and Aw, MAN! THAT’S DISGUSTING
F) Betty Ford, the only First Lady in American history to have perfected the trick of not only unwrapping and chewing a wad of watermellon bubblisious (sic) with her snatch, but can also blow pretty impressive bubbles with it
G) *pop*
H) A big, fat watermellon (sic) cock

THE BUCK STOPS AT MY PENIS.

YOUR BUDGET REQUEST IS AWAITING APPROVAL FROM MY HAIRY BEAN BAGS.

MY PENIS IS NOT CRAZY, BUT IT WILL MAKE YOU CRAZY.

MY PENIS IS THE CADILLAC OF GENITALIA.

I HAVE PATENTED MY TESTICLES.

MY PENIS IS THE REASON WHY BREAST IMPLANTS ARE SO POPULAR.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

Just because I don’t post every single minute of the day, it doesn’t mean that I’m not putting things in my mouth every single minute of the day. My FOCUS is on my mouth and what’s in it. Telling all of you about it is somewhat secondary. With that said, try and see if you can guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A Nestlé Yorkie Bar
B) A Yorkshire Terrier puppy penis
C) The Cost Plus World Market where I got the Yorkie because you can’t just buy it at a supermarket due to the candy bar’s marketing campaign of selling to aggressive, closeted homosexuals
D) The secret sex tape I have of Annie Potts being joyously fucked by a Lipizzaner Stallion while wearing an Ilsa the Wicked Warden costume, her floppy breasts flouncing everywhere and spit blabbering from her mouth like a Down’s Syndrome kid strapped to a mechanical bull
E) Several telegraphs about my wet, smelly, shameful dump
F) Cat vomit
G) A big, fat puppy penis

I have BIG fish to fry! Carpe Diem!

Guess! what’sin! MY! mouthright! NOW!

A) The phrase, “You cheated on me from behind,” which gets the Unintentionally Hilarious Line of the Year Award.
B) Tutues.
C) Bubblicious.
D) My tung.
E) Sins, all of them.
F) Redemption, every mother-lovin’ inch of it.
G) A big, fat, tutu wearing cock.

UPDATE: It is definitely not H) The wet, smelly dump I just took that required not one, but two courtesy flushes and left me feeling so disgusted I want to sneak home and wash my ass. It’s not in my mouth right now, so stop telegraphing me about it.

There are some readers out there who are so obviously not focusing on my mouth that it’s not even funny. Not. Even. Funny. There are hundreds of millions of blogs on the Inter-Web, but only ONE is dedicated not to stupid stories about children, or relationships, or bizarre confessionals, or anything else so incredibly trite and banal that you could ossify into a stone statue just by reading about them. That blog is this one: GWiMMRN. Get that through your thick skull. FOCUS. FOCUS on my MOUTH. I’m on my last nerve here, so don’t make me get out the Travis Frey marriage contract and have you sign it. Clear? Excellent. Here’s a refresher course: I’ve put something in my mouth. Can you guess what it is?

A) Watermellon bubblisious (sic)
B) A watermellon bubblisious (sic) and shredded wheat shit pie, with a dollop of sour cream splattered all over the top
C) A gallon of alfredo sauce, sans fettucine, with little chunks of unchewed watermellon bubblisious (sic) suspended in the mass
D) A traffic jam caused by watermellon bubblisious (sic)
E) Several lobsters singing “Mammy” like Al Jolson and making tiny little sculptures out of chewed wads of watermellon bubblisious (sic)
F) That time we were in that strip joint in the Phillippines where the dancers would pick up stacks of coins with their snatches and you heated the top coin up with a lighter real good so that when the chick squatted over them and picked ‘em up, she squealed and sprayed quarters all over the bar with a loud “thbbbbbbbbbbbbbt” *clink clink clink clink clink* sound like a big fleshy slot machine
G) A big, fat cock

Remember when Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now used to have “editions,” like some news magazine? Yeah. Well, like my man A. Louima says, “oooooh boy.”

gwimmrn:

A) Turtles, and their weird, un-turtle-like noises while eating green, leafy vegetables.
B) My toilet, who refused to flush a beefy turd I delivered last night.
C) A plunger.
D) A mop.
E) A bucket o’ suds.
F) Disgust and anger at a turd who could not possibly control its own destiny.
G) Forgiveness.
H) A big, fat cock.

My man Travis got his ass busted, but it’s all good. To honor this unimaginably sick fuck, I’ve placed one of several things in my mouth that he might be familiar with. Guess which one is in there right now:

A) The 2.0″ X 1.0″ X 1/3″ patch of pubic hair above Mrs. Frey’s vaginal SLIT
B) The 75,000 GBD’s Mrs. Frey earned by inserting a live chipmunk inside her vaginal SLIT (not expected)
C) An application of lube to a sex toy Mrs. Frey bought for herself as Travis Frey’s birthday present to her, later placed in her vaginal SLIT
D) A thong worn by Mrs. Frey during her menstrual cycle to bed so that she doesn’t spray blood from her vaginal SLIT
E) Three hours of My-Time where Mrs. Frey doesn’t argue, complain, whine, sob, cry, condescend, sulk, raise her voice, ask for anything, or is otherwise distracted from me by other things. During this time, she may be subservient and submissive, do what she’s asked when she’s asked it, act cheerful and adoring, perform any sexual acts including the ingestion of spooge, but she may NOT try to slap me with the meat curtains the size of cow tongues she has flanking her vaginal SLIT
F) A bunch of turtles eating salad
G) A big, fat PIRPEL TIRTEL PENIS

UPDATE: It is becoming more likely that the answer is H) A chip butty moistened from the acidic secretions of Mrs. Frey’s vaginal SLIT

ONE FINAL UPDATE: No, I didn’t mean purple turtle penis, you assgobbler.

MY PENIS HAS A GREATER DISPOSABLE INCOME THAN ANY OTHER PENIS.

MY PENIS OWNS THE CONTROLLING STOCK OF YOUR WIFE’S SNATCH.

MY PENIS IS THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED IN THE EXECUTIVE WASHROOM.

MY PENIS DEMANDS THE CORNER OFFICE AND GETS IT.

MY PENIS WILL NOT SUCK ITSELF.

MY PENIS IS CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE, AND WILL EXPRESS ITSELF BY SPOOGING ALL OVER YOUR STUPID, BAD-ATTITUDE FACE.

AT COMPANY BIRTHDAY PARTIES, MY PENIS IS ALWAYS THE GUEST OF HONOR.

MY PENIS KNOWS EXCEL, MICROSOFT WORD, POWERPOINT, ACCESS, AND PUBLISHER INSIDE AND OUT.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

A day without bio back-spatter is like a day without sunshine, that’s what I always say. It’s also why I wash my balls like fifteen times a day. Remember when GWiMMRN used to do “editions,” like some fucking magazine or something? Yeah. Those were the days. Huh? No, I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying, either. I’ve got something in my mouth, though. Guess what it is and win a free bundle of bio back-spatter bagels with butter:

A) Itchy Penis bread
B) The exact reason why this blog was started: a deconstruction of the theme of online diaries told in a humorous, albeit sickeningly tasteless fashion
C) A milkshake consisting of blended opossum shit, chunks of suet, and the little leavings from Dr. Alter’s labia majora remodelings so that it’s not a milkshake at all, but something truly revolting
D) A large, unsightly pubic fat deposit
E) A picture of the time I stuck my erect penis into the corner Blockbuster Video “Return Slot” and asked, “ANYONE SEEN THIS? IT’S PRETTY FUCKING GOOD! LOTS OF SPECIAL EFFECTS!”
F) A big, fat opossum cock

B.F. UPDATE: It may just be G) Deroy Murdock, or it might not.

EVEN B.F UPDATE: “Grow up.”