Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

Bring me my scepter, as I am the King of Uranus.

GUESSwINmyMOUTHrightNOW:

A) My scepter.
B) My recepticle.
C) My concubine.
D) My thrrrrrone.
E) My media.
F) My dominion.
G) My big, fat cock. OH YES.

UPDATE: The answer may now be H) A short, angry belch directed toward someone or something, indicating an intense disagreement with that someone or something, as in, “I think you’re a jerk. *belch!*”

That’s right. It’s only the BASICS here at GWiMMRN. No fancy gifs or tifs, no streaming music or video. Just one, long, sweaty, sloppy Cleveland Steamer after another.

Go on, be the RECIPIENT. GWiMMRN:

A) A new computer.
B) Well, not actually a new computer, but rather an update in software.
C) Well, not so much an update, but more like the relief you feel after delivering a particularly satisfying Cleveland Steamer.
D) Well, not so much as relief, as a sense of calm, peace, and relaxation, almost Zen like.
E) The question, “after you’re done with the ol’ Cleveland Steamer, do you use the RECIPIENT’s hair as toilet paper, or do you just run out of there and wash yourself later?”
F) The obvious answer to the question posed in Letter E.
G) A big, fat Cleveland Rocks cock.

The awesome responsibility of informing the general public of what may or may not be in my mouth right now is, at times, off-set by the soul-crushing guilt I suffer over informing the general public of what may or may not be in my mouth right now. Or, to put it into an equation you don’t need a mathematician to understand: GWiMMRN + s-cG = CLEVELAND STEAMER. But, I go on because I must go on. I promise to clean it up for this post, to retain some much-needed INTEGRITY. Guess, if you please, what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A chili dog
B) A chili dog
C) A chilly dog
D) Hot soup for a chilly dog
E) SQUIRREL PENIS
F) RABBIT PENIS
G) PIRPEL TIRTEL PENIS
H) What was I talking about? I forgot.
I) A big, fat cock

INTEGRITY. I’m going for total integrity here. TOTAL. FUCKING. INTEGRITY.

I’m the real deal, ladies and turds. THE REAL DEAL.

GWiMMRN:

A) A gourmand.
B) Le guillotine.
C) That certain je ne c’est quois.
D) The tuna boat to taco town.
E) Mr. Creosote.
F) The taco boat to tuna town.
G) A RED HERRING.
H) A big, fat cock of da froggies, mang.

All-righty, folks. Seeing as you were too fucking RETARDED (to use Morgan Spurlock’s lovely term for the mentally deficient) to FOCUS, I’m no longer going to try to dumb it down for you. I’m kicking it up. I’m using elevated diction. I’m using BIG WORDS. I’m PUTTING THINGS. INTO MY MOUTH. Can you guess what these things may be?

A) The great state of Ohio’s most famous and beloved export, the Cleveland Steamer
B) A blast from the past going way into the future: watermellon bubblisious
C) Sheppy’s favorite drink: a cold cup of Phyllis Diller’s rectal mucus with a hot, slobbery peach pit as a garnish (IT’LL NEVER BE OVER FOR YOU SHEPPY, NO FUCKING WAY JOSE)
D) The fact that this surprised looking turd comes up as the 3rd choice when you do a google search on “surprised looking turd”
E) The horrible notion that this website may indeed be singlehandedly coarsening the entire English language through the spreading of terms like “this surprised looking turd,” “watermellon bubblisious,” “cocoa plunger,” and, perhaps most horribly, “Abner Louima cocoa plunger”
F) “Ohhhhhhh, boy” which is what Abner Louima claims to have said when they rammed the plunger in
G) Lemon bars
H) Political asylum
I) A big, fat surprised looking cock

O.K., people. Apparently this website is too cerebral, too brainy for you. I think your lack of focusing is stemming from your lack of intelligence. So, I will dumb down the choices to their barest essentials. No website links, just words. Simple, monosyllabic words. Got it? O.K. Stay with me now.

Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) Poop.
B) Pee.
C) Pee-pee (I know that it’s polysyllabic, but I think you can handle this one).
D) Tits.
E) Va. Gi. Na.
F) Big, fat, cock.

Now, make your guess.

UPDATE: It’s finally happened: GWiMMRN is the first thing you get when you google “watermellon bubblisious.”

This is Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now, not Too Close to the Bone. And get over the whole watermellon bubblisious (sic) thing. GET OVER IT. It’s so five minutes ago. GROW UP. And if you CAN’T grow up, at least gwImmrn:

A) A Hot Carl’s Jr, which is when a baby does the act (not to be confused with a Cleveland Steamer, a Rusty Trombone, or a Chili Dog)
B) Goo goo ga ga *frrrrprrt*
C) Cap’n Hotstream, the Golden Pirate
D) A dead frog, liberally spattered with spooge (known as a Cold Kermit)
E) Bacon-wrapped water chestnuts
F) A big, fat froggie cock

UPDATE RE: Your treatment – Nobody wants to hear about that. GROW UP.

FURTHER UPDATE: goo goo goo ga ga *squirrrrrrrpppfrrrrppprrrrt*

Caught with your pants down?

GWiMMRN!

A) The fantastic new Internet game show… Name! That! Tune!
B) An allele.
C) Champion chimps chomping on cheese and chattering on a train!
D) sic (sic).
E) The ominous answer, “This is your turn!”
F) A big, fat allele cock.

What did I tell you about the pistachioes? What did I tell you? Did you ask permission? I know you didn’t ask permission. Get them out of your ass right now. Right fucking NOW. And, if you can, guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A store-brand mustard enema to wash down (or up) the pistachio suppository
B) A pistachio pudding and Thomas Fries casserole, served at body temperature
C) Hunf hunf hunf NCAA BOO HOO FUCK YOU
D) Pulpy goodness
E) Tu. S. Tin.’s pee, which according to Señor Chip Butty is EVERYTHING
F) lola’s sexual devience (sic)
G) This website (sick)
H) A big, fat cock with a pistachio popping out of the urethra like a fucking nutty jack-in-the-box

If you’re reading this, you’ve already been tasting the pistachioes. STOP IT. They are NOT your pistachioes and even if they were your pistachioes, you’d have to get permission first.

OK. Now, GWiMMRN:

A) Brrraaa-zzziiiiilll!
B) The line, “What have you done with his body!?!”
C) Form twenty-seven b slash six.
D) Spider, as in, “Dance that drink over here Spider!”
E) Slushy, slushy dog turds, with PISTACHIOES all in it and stuff.
F) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Stinky Pee.
G) A big, fat, freshly shampooed cock with a pistachio sitting right on top of it.

Saturday’s all right at times. You know? I mean, it’s not bad. It’s got its moments. The crowning moment of Saturday is, as we all know, when you’ve guessed what’s in my mouth right now:

A) The .35 square inches of facial skin not covered in horrible, angry red zits on that girl who works at the Subway
B) A nice, tasty $5 funnel cake with powdered sugar sprinkled all over it
C) The funnel cake shits, which are wettish, smelly, and utterly delicious
D) My carrrrr, which no longer smells like frrrrruit, because I left a loaf of asiago basil bread in it for a few hours, so it now smells like cheeeeeeeeeese
E) A funeral for poor Lem (Bonnie Bedelia did it)
F) A gross of greasy gray rat penises in syrup
G) Bonnie Bedelia, that murdering BITCH
H) A big, fat funnel cock

Loooong time no see, huh, snatchface? Well, I got something for YA. Something loooong and scarrrry. Yeah. You, you gonna wibble it alright. You gonna wibble it GOOD.

A) $8.50 for a bagel with whitefish salad? Are you out of your fucking mind? I mean, it may be Glatt Kosher, but for crying out loud, it’s not like the Rabbi blessed it with his holy spooge.
B) $18 for a ticket to the Guggenheim Museum? Are you out of your fucking mind? And who the fuck wants to see 5 levels of David Smith? He’s alright, but 5 levels worth? Geeze!
C) What the hell do you mean the New York Public Library is closed on Mondays? What, you don’t think people want to read on Mondays?
D) $5.95 for a piece of cheesecake? Are you out of your fucking mind? You can come taste the history of my knob for these prices. You should be thankful I walked to Brooklyn for it.
E) $12.95 a lb. for little cookies? Are you fucking nuts?
F) That’s all you get for $70 a night? A 10 by 8 foot cell? AND I have to share a bathroom?
G) The little Chinese woman in the room next to ours who, when realizing that I planned to take a shower, literally ran from her room to claim the bathroom before I could get there.
H) $8.00 for a shot of Johnny Walker? That’s IT. You really can go fuck yourself now.
I) A wonderful time in NYC.
J) A big, fat apple cock.

MY PENIS KNOWS NO REMORSE.

MY PENIS SMACKS THE FACE OF REALITY WITH ITS BIG, PURPLE, BULBOUS HEAD.

NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLES MY PENIS HAS SEEN.

MY PENIS WILL NOT WRITE YOU A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION.

MY PENIS WALKS THE HALLS OF YOUR WIFE’S VAGINA ALONE.

MY BALLS ARE THE APPLES REFERRED TO IN “THE BIG APPLE.”

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

I’m still on the “wibble my knob” thing, so if it’s not interesting to you, you’re more than welcome to go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. Aside from that rolling doughnut, what’s in my mouth right now?

A) A parliament of wibblers
B) A flock of knobs
C) heeheeheeheeheehee!
D) The high-pitched, whinnying grunt I let out when my knob was being wibbled and my rectum was being delicately probed by the long, slender fingers of Paris “Wibbly” Hilton
E) “Nibble my wob,” which is what dyslexics say
F) Funeral cake
G) A big, fat cock

I know you’re focusing. I know it. I’m going to ask you to do something difficult for me: focus AGAIN. FOCUS on what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A severed knob that got wibbled too hard
B) A vague feeling that the whole “wibble my knob” thing may be old and played out
C) An impassioned plea from Sally Struthers to WIBBLE MY FUCKING KNOB
D) The Peter Gabriel song “Digging in the Dirt,” ruined forever because SOMEONE sang it as, “Digging in my butt, to find the places we got turds.”
E) Wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble, wibble oh fuck it
F) Wibbling in the dark, which is what you do when you’re scared
G) Wedding cake
H) A big, fat cock