Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

Hurry! GWiMMRN! DOOOOO IIIIITTTT!!!

A) Flaccid bumble-bee penises dipped in molten honey.
B) Shit covered doughnuts served to an unwitting Dunkin’ Donuts customer.
C) A block of sharp cheddar cheese.
D) A carbon copy of the Declaration of Independence.
E) Sea-World, every mother-lovin’ gallon of it.
F) Shamu’s big, fat cock.

Quit it. Just quit it. All the screwing around is getting in the way of not focusing. FOCUS. FO-CUS. GU-ESS. WH-AT’S. I-N. M-Y. MOU-TH. RI-GHT. NO-W:

A) Joey Buttafuoco’s greasy Eye-talian SAUSAGE
B) Amy Fisher’s MAN-MEAT
C) Ass-scratchin’s
D) A scabies-infested baby chimpanzee philtrum
E) Cl(it)oris Leachman
F) Fifty hermit crab vulvae
G) A nice dish of cherry vanilla ice cream, with the cherries having been replaced with tasty chunks of PIRPEL TIRTEL PENISES
H) Animals
I) General Genitals, Commander-in-Chief of the Armies of the Crotch
J) A big, fat ting-ting

No, it isn’t. This is a REAL PERSON who, every dog-gone day, blesses you, graces you, and exhorts you to guess what amazing things are in my mouth. I’ve only missed a couple of days since October 2005. That’s THE very DEFINITION of DEDICATION. And all you rug munchers do is sit on your candy asses and complain about your diversity, about your own troubles n’ woes, and I keep telling you that NOBODY wants to hear about how you’re treated around here. N.O.B.O.D.Y.

This isn’t some Hollywood production where a happy ending is a sure fire thing. Nosireebob. Your very existence depends on what’s in my mouth, so youse better start fo-cusing. GWiMMRN:

A) A wedding invitation RSVP envelope without a fucking stamp on it.
B) A humiliating incident where the ‘Dances With Wolves’ star “kept putting his hand underneath his towel”, and when she began to massage his head he “grabbed her wrist forcefully, whipped off his towel and exposed himself”.
C) Your tip? A load from Kevin Costner’s dick.
D) The grumbles from the dude who had to “jizzmop” the masseusse’s room after Kevin Costner got ‘finished.’
E) Keys to the Kingdom.
F) A Hollywood ending: Chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.
G) A GWiMMRN ending: A big, fat cock.

For YOU, my dear!

GWiMMRN:

A) A verrry surreptitious ball scratching using the liner of my front pants pocket.
B) The glee that I feel that I can hide my cute lil’ secret.
C) The punchline, “I don’t think my ass can stand another hard roll.”
D) A baby elephant’s trunk, repurposed as a penis implant.
E) A funny lookin’ baby elephant who is missing a trunk.
F) A three-headed baby’s first words: “sister,” “brother,” “accidental penis grab while reaching for the remote control.”
G) A big, fat, prehensile, baby elephant trunk sized cock.

UPDATE: The answer may now be H) The local weather report, which says that tomorrow will be chocolate ice cream with a 60% chance of rainbow sprinkles.

I’m too busy to just drop everything and make you people focus, okay? Too. Fucking. Busy. TFB. That’s why I have that inspirational message at the bottom of this website. Go on, refamiliarize yourself with it. I’ll wait.

Okay? Good. FOCUS. GUESS. WHAT’S IN. MY MOUTH. RIGHT.

NOW:

A) Upon hearing about a recent equipment failure at my workplace, my shocked reaction of, “This story shocks me! Shocks me to my very balls!”
B) Three-headed kids. Hee hee
C) The fact that every time I sing the Sinatra song, “I’ve Got the World on a String,” I always flub the third line and sing, “I’ve got that little string around my penis,” and my wife always adds, “And I tug and tug and tug”
D) The load Kevin Costner launched all over his belly in front of a horrified masseuse
E) The smell of boiled pork rinds in what may be the most DISGUSTING story ever written
F) A cold, stale, ketchup and mustard homeless hoagie hidden under a layer of old newspapers and rat shit so it can be enjoyed later
G) A hot, crusty chunk
H) A big, fat cock with a string around it

MY PENIS DOES NOT DABBLE.

MY PENIS IS LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION.

IT WILL BE OVER WHEN MY PENIS SAYS IT WILL BE OVER.

HIKE UP YOUR SKIRT AND PICK UP THE PENCIL GLUED TO THE FLOOR.

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE NOT MY PENIS’ PROBLEMS.

MY PENIS WILL SLAP YOU AS A TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

Imagine that you’re a quarterback, and there’s twelve seconds to go on the clock and you’re down by six points. There’s the snap, your receivers go long and…

THIS IS IT: THE GAME-WINNING PLAY, AND ALL YOU HAVE TO FUCKING DO IS GUESS WHAT’S IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!!!!

A) A hearty but mocking refrain of: “*BELCH!* HA HA HA HA HA *frrrppttt*”
B) The Roman Coliseum
C) The oysters my boss often digs for in the morning that can be heard throughout the building
D) A dog turd covered with burnt hair, not mine
E) Lots of inadequacies, not mine
F) The kind of tat you get tit for
G) That time I grabbed Larry “Bud” Melman’s hot, moist, falling hemorrhoids, you know, and they just kind of sat there in my hand like fat, red worms while Bud squealed and gibbered like a chimp on 5000 milligrams of benzedrine, and I squeezed them, really squeezed them like I was milking a fat, whimpering cow’s udders and this nasty, tepid matter squirted out which wasn’t hot like the ‘roids themselves which was weird, but anyway it was a kind of a reddish, pussy color with little things swimming in it, little things that had more legs than they needed to have to swim around in Bud’s asshole and they were singing you know, singing, so I took a lighter to them, the hemorrhoids, and pretty much the rest of Bud’s chocolate starfish while he feebly flapped his hands like an old lady and begged me to get him some Bactine
H) A big, fat cockadoodledoo

UPDATE: The answer is now most likely I) The old “she made a grab for the remote control and ‘accidentally’ grasped my penis under the blanket” trick

Steel yourself for some thick irony!

In other news, GWiMMRN:

A) A barrel full of monkeys.
B) A barrel full of glory holes.
C) A barrel full of pirate spooge.
D) A barrel full of slobber and unidentifiable excreta.
E) A barrel full of hate and self-loathing and endless worry about inadequacies.
F) A barrel full of Columbian models in black bikinis.
G) A barrel full of musty, moldy, big, fat cocks.

UPDATE: Eat it.

Holy FUCK! The furnace turned itself off last night and everyone’s freezing to death! Turn it on! TURN IT ON!!!!!!

Fwew. Okay. Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) The tablespoon of warm clam chowder I drizzled on a co-worker’s mouse pad when she went to go take a leak
B) The small handful of liquid Ivory soap I threw on her monitor when she went to get a paper towel to clean up the “chowder”
C) The driblet of heavy cream I sprayed on the pictures of my co-worker’s teenage daughter when she went to complain to the boss
D) The Charms Blow Pop I waggled my tongue against in the park while saying to female passersby, “Hey, lady, remind you of anything? BLHGLBGLHGLHBPLBPGLBLTHK”
E) The loneliest number
F) The words, “CAT SHIT is the new black”
G) A lemon meringue pie
H) A moue
I) Helen Thomas’s bicycle seat
J) A big, fat cock

I’ve got ALL SORTS of magic up my sleeve! What MAGICAL thing do I have in my MOUTH, though? That’s the question!

Guess…

A) Stare at this picture and then look immediately to your right and the answer will be revealed.
B) Stare at this picture and then look immediately to the lower right and the answer will be revealed.
C) Stare at this picture and then immediately close your eyes and the answer will be revealed.
D) The answer is what this bunny left inside this man’s hat.
E) A big, fat magical cock. OOOOOO!

I hope you’re having a great big day today. I mean, really big. All 24 hours long, because you’ve earned it. Yes you have. No, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, but that’s okay. All this is really just a preamble to make you feel better about guessing what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A wedding cake worth getting stabbed to death over
B) The Pearly Gates
C) The Pearly Stream Shooting Out of My Penis
D) The pathos-inspiring words, “i want to go to sleep, but all i can do is cry,” followed by a hot gush of briny liquid that isn’t tears
E) Stool strain
F) A stool sandwich served in a hand-made hot dog bun and slathered with store-brand mustard
G) Meg Ryan’s hairy li’l snatcheroo
H) A big, fat cockeroo

I have oodles and oodles of freshly canoodled noodles in my hoopie. I also have them in my mouth right now, so if it’s SUNDAY, the OTHER SABBATH, then it’s time to GWiMMRN:

A) A pornucopia of racially and ethnically insensitive sex toys.
B) A “wedding” invitation.
C) My “response” to the “wedding” invitation.
D) The Exuberance of Samantha Brown, that basic cable hottie!
E) H. R. Pufnstuf!
F) A big, fat cock!

As I sit here, deciding whether or not to take a shit or let it sit in my colon a while longer, it occurs to me that I have something in my mouth, and that your job is to guess what it is. So, I think it’s about time for you to redeem the meaning of your life, isn’t it? Some of us put things in our mouths, and others guess what it is. Those are our roles. So, go for the redemption:

A) A tossed salad
B) The Italian eatery known as Buca di Beppo
C) The immortal words, “Have some salad,” followed by a li’l salad tossing
D) Bosqueal O’Woodbine
E) One of those things we can’t talk about
F) The red, throbbing, bulbous head that you MUST kiss
G) Kentucky Fried Chicken
H) A big, fat cock

It’s always quid pro quo with you, isn’t it? Can’t do anything ALTRUISTIC, can you? Tit for tat. Fine, be that way and just f’ing GWiMMRN:

A) That gorgeous song, “Somewhere, beyond the sea…”
B) Fill in the blank: _ _ _ _ _ Pemmican.
C) Mange medicine.
D) Samantha Ivers… wuaggghhhhh!
E) National Velvet.
F) Fill in the blank: _ _ i _ _ _ t _ o _ _.

Whoops! Sorry about that little piece of gratuitous hostility there. Just slipped out. And there’s no way I’ll be able to slip it back in, that’s for damn sure. Well, since you’re here and all, and while you’re SUCKING MY DICK, perhaps you could guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) Kung fu
B) The President’s brain
C) The President’s heart
D) The adorable, oh so wispy hairs near the President’s starfish
E) Paris Hilton’s latest sex partner
F) The tiny little stress-farts I kept cutting at the recent staff meeting that were silent but oh so deadly
G) The stress-farts’ invisible rubber hands that just kept clinging to me so that the flatulence would follow me around like the cloud of dirt that perpetually-swathed Pig Pen
H) *pffft* *rp* *pssrp* *frp* *peerp*
I) John Wayne, who famously said, “I can tell you for certain that smiling don’t do nobody no good, no how, no way. So just stop the smiling. I don’t see what the hell is so funny about this anyway.”
J) A big, fat cock