Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

It’s not going to get any better than this, so you might as well guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A chewing gum elephant puppet, warmed just right for my solitary delight
B) Señor Chip Butty’s request to “call me”
C) The “it’s/its” problem, the “to/too” fallacy, and the overuse of ellipses
D) Rippy’s cousin
E) Something undoubtedly unintended by the manufacturer
F) Another culinary delight invented by the good people who brought you the chip butty
G) A big, fat cock

UPDATE: The answer very well could be this tasty snack!

Right now, guess what beloved cartoon character is in my mouth.

Right now.

A) Li’l Abner.
B) The Yellow Kid, who looks like a refugee from a nuclear holocaust.
C) Rippy the Foetus, the official mascot of the pro-life movement.
D) Hagar the Fucking Horrible.
E) Dilbert.
F) Memin Pinguin.
G) The big, fat cartoon cock of Woodstock.

UPDATE: The answer may now be H) Jordan, who provided yet another example of her MERCURIAL nature by changing her blogger template yet again.

In addition to honoring the troops, don’t forget your mystery date for the evening:

Hello… MY MOUTH!

GWiMMRN:

A) A really hot day.
B) Debbie Matenopoulos, the scariest and most retarded host on the Daily 10.
C) Catt “Shitt” Sadler, who isn’t too far behind ol’ Debbie there in the stupid department.
D) A handburger with prickles.
E) The VATICAN. Oh YEAH.
F) A special place just for you and me.
G) A big, fat OMG cock.

I’ve noticed a higher level of FOCUS in the past five minutes, so it’s time to make things a little more difficult to challenge your skills. I have a failed ice cream flavor in my mouth.

Can you guess what it is?

A) Cat Shit Praline
B) Trout Ripple
C) Penisgobbler De-lite (Low fat, low sugar, high saline content)
D) Scab Chocolate Chip
E) Rectal Polyp Swirl
F) Chocolate Chip Cookie Batter with Bleeding Anus Chunks
G) Turkey Surprise
H) Golden Sherbert
I) Butter Pecan Big, Fat Cock Fluff

This is the 411th post. I’ve been diligent, giving you daily, sometimes hourly updates of what I’m putting in my mouth. And yet, you don’t know how to focus. You seem to think that the comments section is your personal playground where you’re free to talk about anything you want.

GROW UP. For goodness sakes, grow up. Comments are for discussion of what is in MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW. Your job is to GUESS WHAT’S IN THERE RIGHT NOW. I don’t care about anything else and neither should you.

GWiMMRN, and really focus this time:

A) My real-life irrational fear that if I flush the toilet while I’m sitting on it, my balls will be sucked down the hole.
B) Madison Michele , ungh. Ungh. Ungh.
C) Schubert.
D) Flaubert.
E) Ebert.
F) A really nice surprise waiting for you at home.
G) Those footsteps that you fear.
H) That big, fat cock that you love.

There are times when I have considered deleting this website, as the lack of FOCUSING has become simply too big a problem to ignore. FOCUS on MY MOUTH. FOCUS, you soggy, rotted french fry sandwiches. FOCUS, you polyp-tonguing smegmoids. FO-CUS. It’s a two-syllable word. You have your FO. And you have your CUS. FO. CUS. You can do it. Say it with me: I CAN. I CAN. I CAN.

GWiMMRN:

A) Fruit salad with marshmallow fluff, nuts, and a teensy-weensy bit of apricot nectar
B) The nine of clubs
C) The bags under the eyes of the white, tattooed Customer Service Rep, who despite having been an “exotic dancer” in her previous career, has not yet offered to give me a lap dance, let alone a throat-bruising blowjob
D) The Robben Island lighthouse, before it was repurposed as Queen Kong’s dildo on a lonely night
E) The adorable little ass hairs near Faye Dunaway’s chocolate starfish, artfully woven into tiny cornrows to give that “ribbed” feeling to my ding-dong
F) Normalcy
G) A big, fat cream-filled cock (Long John)

What’ll it be? Donuts… or Africa?

GWiMMRN:

A) Donuts.
B) Africa.
C) Donuts.
D) Africa.
E) Donuts.
F) Africa.
G) A big, fat donut shaped cock.
H) A big, fat African cock.

My mouth is pretty damn cool, don’t you think?

GWiMMRN:

A) An eager tongue searching for “rectal polyps”
B) The turkey burgers I made on Sunday night that included way too much spicy pepper sauce, so my STOOOOOOOLS have been hot enough to boil water
C) Way too many penis, anus, and feces jokes
D) Onion rings with an onion anus in the center
E) A salesperson who just won’t leave me alone
F) The pathos-filled query of, “Care to respond?”
G) Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb
H) The pathos-filled exclamation of, “Ohhhhhh, boy.”
I) A big, fat cock

Take it or leave it. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out. My way or the highway.

“Suck it or grow up. It’s your choice.”

GWiMMRN:

A) A crushingly beautiful sense of self-importance.
B) Those creepy Milky Way commercials. You know what I’m talking about. Where the guy gets rejected then fantasizes about some tiny, albeit buxom woman in his Milky Way bar, and then he bites her head off.
C) Gardenburgers!
D) Starblazers!
E) A janitor’s intemperate question.
F) Glue.
G) A big, fat cock.

UPDATE: The answer IS NOT H) The morning dew.

Hail to the Chief, baby.

GWiMMRN:

A) A foofy little artsy-fartsy thing.
B) Poppy seeds which, when mixed with spooch, creates a quite intoxicating opiate.
C) Low riding hip huggers.
D) Disaronno, on the rocks, with a dash of male ejaculate… it’s originale.
E) Taylor Hicks’s dusky grey pubes.
F) Pay-per-view-pussy.
G) TV-MA.
H) A big, fat cock.

If it’s Sunday, you have to “suck it.”

GWiMMRN:

A) Those little cucumber eye patches.
B) Vagisil Anti-Itch Wipes, re-purposed as Ball Wipes, ’cause I figured if it works on women, it should work on men, too.
C) The collected brain matter from those retards on the Daily 10.
D) Chilly Willy’s willy.
E) A sneek-peek at the 2006 summer movie season.
F) The exclamation, “You sneeky bastard!”
G) A big, fat cock-o-vin.

If it’s Saturday, you have to “suck it.”

GWiMMRN:

A) A freshly-lacquered toenail, not mine
B) A pancake breakfast
C) That shit you had to take but couldn’t because you didn’t want to go in the airplane toilet so you let it sit there and prairie dogged it for the whole flight until it got all sharp and jagged and ripped up your asshole a little when you finally got home and delivered it
D) A slightly bloody wad of toilet tissue
E) Three used dog beds, covered in hairy clumps
F) Things, succulent little things
G) The round, glistening face of the hefty Latina girl who works at the Sbarro’s in the food court at the mall
H) A big, fat qoq

If it’s Friday, you have to “suck it.”

GWiMMRN:

A) Jack Ryan’s strangled cry of, “How dare you, sir?!”
B) What Monica tore into two pieces
C) The “Da Vinci Choad,” based on the bestselling thriller about a couple of people following the clues to where the Sacred Penis of O.L.A.S.J.H.C. can be found by examining Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous sculpture, “The Last Dumper.”
D) A Montecristo Platinum cigar
E) Pad Thai with plenty of bean sprouts and lime wedges
F) The guy in the Reesees Piecees shirt
G) Jack Ryan’s big, strangled cock

If it’s Thursday, you have to “suck it.”

GWiMMRN:

A) 70,000 Coors Light cans.
B) Yellow squash, which is on sale.
C) Cage free chickens.
D) M?r?i?or, found between the breasts of this model.
E) Your horribly abused anus that is so horribly abused I can’t bring myself to think of how horribly abused it is.
F) Kevin Spacey’s sanctimony.
G) IT.
H) A big, fat IT.

UPDATE: The answer may now be I) The uncanny resemblance between a monkey that talks in sentences and Jimmy Durante: