Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

Let my Mouth go!

GWiMMRN:

A) King Tut’s shriveled, mummified testicles.
B) AMIGA.
C) Commodore 64’s Rollerball game, which my brother callously threw away like the shriveled horse testicle that he is.
D) The Holiest Shrine in Star Jones Reynold’s Super-Flappy Vagina.
E) The Pyramids at Giza. Yes, all them mutherfuckers.
F) A big, fat mummified cock.

As you most likely have guessed, the previous post was actually the world’s longest anagram. If you’re properly FOCUSED, you’ve already puzzled it out and know all sorts of things. At any rate, the point isn’t to talk about what happened yesterday; this website is not called GWWiMMY for a REASON. It’s about what’s in there right now:

A) A great sense of relief upon opening the upstairs toilet lid to find merely a stained bowl and rim instead of an unholy desecration
B) A new type of food based on the low calorie (”low-cal”) concept that I call fee calorie (”fe-cal”) where you pay more for higher calorie meals
C) What Star Jones looks like
D) Nasturtiums
E) Garlic curlies
F) Short ‘n’ curlies
G) Curly
H) Curling
I) The overweening self-importance of the average Berkeley resident
J) A big, fat curlescent cock

To Whom It May Concern:

For two days in a row now, I have entered the upstairs lavatory to find that the commode has been unspeakably befouled. As I am the first to arrive in the morning, it’s my understanding that the abomination perpetrated in and on the toilet has taken place the day before.

Both Tuesday and this morning, I have been kind enough to give the commode several flushes so that no other human being has to experience such an unholy horror. This is a courtesy that the perpetrator of this befoulment has yet to bestow upon us. I will not attempt to describe either the sight or smell of it, but you may rest assured that no human language can encompass the feeling of utter loathing such an experience engenders.

There are three possible conclusions one can come to, when faced with such appalling behavior:

1) A homeless man has somehow snuck into the building and made it his home.
2) The toilet backs up only at night.
3) Someone employed here is suffering significant abdominal trouble, combined with an utter and total lack of regard for any other human being in the universe.

I find 1) to be highly unlikely. 2) is less likely, but not impossible. I shall assume that 3) is the proper answer until evidence is presented that either 1) or 2) is actually correct.

To paraphrase a popular cliche, “Defecate on me once, shame on you. Defecate on me twice, shame on me.” I have shunned the upstairs lavatory, and will not use it again until it has been thoroughly sanitized by our cleaning staff. I find it personally very upsetting to be subjected to the end products of another person’s digestion in this way, and if I had any sort of legal recourse, you can be sure that I would right now be discussing the matter with an attorney.

I am now speaking to the individual responsible for this fecal fiasco: if you possess the least iota of humanity at all, you will make sure that your #2’s are completely disposed of before leaving the upstairs bathroom.

Thank you for your attention.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Right now, my eyes are dilated. I look like Mickey Mouse, strung out on coke.

Right now, I have something WONDERFUL in my mouth. Guess what it is:

A) Sunglasses.
B) Yellow dye.
C) Meat, meat, meat, cheese, and meat.
D) Floodpants.
E) That Star Jones Reynolds is leaving The View, and how much I don’t give a fuck about that.
F) My phone sex stage name, “Hot Carl.” Hello, this is Hot Carl… to whom am I speaking?
G) Nancy Drew, in all her glory.
H) Big, big, big, fat, and cock.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO RUN YOUR MOUTH, RUN IT ON MY PENIS.

MY PENIS RUBS SOME PEOPLE THE WRONG WAY.

ASK NOT WHAT MY PENIS CAN DO FOR YOU, BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR MY PENIS.

UNLIKE YOUR WIFE’S VAGINA, MY PENIS APPRECIATES WITH AGE.

VICTORY IS MINE, SAITH MY PENIS.

MY PENIS IS YOUR FUTURE AND THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

Okay, I’ve got a pretty good idea of who it was. You know who you are, you bastard. Next time, do a courtesy flush so that your gluey, evil-smelling stool doesn’t stay in the bowl all fucking night and stain the porcelain for the rest of the week. I can’t use that bathroom now. CAN’T. And it’s your fault. We’re living in a society here, you know? This edition of GWiMMRN goes out to you, my dear colleague:

A) Whatever it was you must’ve eaten the day before
B) Your steady diet of meat, meat, meat, cheese, and meat
C) A colon that would wear out seventeen test-tube scrubbers and 53,982 servings of oatmeal to clean
D) A supreme sense of obliviousness, combined with a lack of consideration for other human beings a sociopath would envy
E) A shocked cry of “Oh, my GOD,” followed by a held nose, a quick flush, and a hasty retreat to the downstairs bathroom
F) The trade magazine I left in there and don’t plan to retrieve any time soon
G) A big, fat cock that must’ve occupied your diseased, shit-smeared anus before you let fly into the bowl, you dirty, dirty shitter, you

Moving? Got a box to stuff stuff in? No? Well, you can GWiMMRN, anyhoo:

A) Testicles.
B) Dasani purified water, which is actually tap water from Schenectady, New York.
C) The reverse osmosis I used to talk my way out of a speeding ticket.
D) The Rebel Alliance, which is not the same as the Separatist Movement that started the Clone Wars. In fact, the Rebel Alliance began as a secret committee within the Galactic Senate that attempted to pursuade key votes in the Republic to vote against extending or providing new powers to Chancellor Palpatine of the Executive branch. The Rebel Alliance only began their terrorist activities after the Republic was renamed as The First Galactic Empire and after the official denunciation of the Jedi Order by Palpatine.
E) Executive Order 66, which orders all the ho’s to treat my testicles as they would a Creamsicle.
F) Twinkie the Kid and his creamy insides.
G) Nothing to see here. Move along.
H) A big, fat cooooooooooock.

Sometimes, you just have to take those droplets of sperm in an empty pie tin and make quiche, you know? So, I’m going to take mercy on you, and present a general amnesty for every one of you non-FOCUSING, non-GUESSINGWHAT’SINMYMOUTHRIGHTNOW motherfuckers. Redemption is just one guess away:

A) A collection of sweaty, dirty “footies” used to keep bare feet from touching the merchandise at DSW
B) The high-pitched titter that girl at the bar uttered when telling me in her naughtiest tone of voice that she had a tattoo in a “private place”
C) The grease-spot her face left on the side of the dumpster after I fucked her against it behind the bar, all the while staring at the stupid Chinese ideogram tattooed on the base of her spine
D) A Chinese ideogram that means, “AIM HERE”
E) Lay’s fat-free potato chips, which are actually pretty damn tasty
F) Jelly doughnut and french fry cravings
G) A diet of mostly bread and cheese that apparently won’t nourish a baby bird
H) A big, fat tattooed cock

The little birdy died for your sins. However, it has been resurrected in a glorious new form, so you may now rejoice joyfully. While you oblige the little birdy, see if you can guess what’s im mouth r now:

A) Deroy Murdock, “Patron Saint” of GWiMMRN’s endless faux-outrage
B) A happy impala with a freshly-wibbled knob
C) The French expression “tant pis,” which means, “Can’t be helped.”
D) Edvard Munch’s The Scream, as performed by a French breakfast radish:

E) A big, fat munchy cock

I spend all day putting things in my mouth. You know this. You also know that in order to be Saved, you have to guess what’s in my mouth right now. You also know that the End of the World is upon us because of your incessant lack of focusing.

And yet, there you sit, insignificant as a droplet of sperm in an empty pie tin, doing something you know you shouldn’t do. And who are the ones who comment on this site? A host of ridiculous characters, all whining about something I said, or clarifying their ridiculous positions on matters that are as insignificant as a droplet of sperm in an empty pie tin, that’s who. A dog that had to be trained how to take a shit? Deroy Murdock, who claims to be the “Patron Saint of GWiMMRN” and demands that we grow up? A talking Mexican version of an English french fry sandwich? Are you kidding me? Not one of these characters bother to GWiMMRN. NOT ONE. And here they are, wasting my time.

Well, world, here’s another chance for you. DON’T BLOW IT.

GWiMMRN:

A) A frilly frock.
B) The Fraggle Rock theme song.
C) Fluffernutters.
D) Fluffers.
E) The tail-light of a 1972 Mustang convertible.
F) Tara Reid’s long, slow slide into irrelevance.
G) Possibly the worst, most unfunny movie of all time, featuring a horribly unfunny actress.
H) The probability of you getting a promotion at work after your employer finds out that you visited this disgusting website.
I) An ostrich’s big, fat, mean-spirited cock.

Unlike AOL, I won’t give in to stupid things like what YOU want. No. My mouth is PARAMOUNT, UNIVERSAL, and FOX-y. Now, GWiMMRN:

A) Cancel the account. Cancel the Account. Cancel. The. Account.
B) Your account.
C) Your supervisor.
D) A moldy head of lettuce with greenish blackish slime all over it.
E) The best Godzilla Fan Fiction Megasite ever.
F) The best big, fat cock ever.

UPDATE: Cancel. The. Account

UPDATE UPDATE: The answer may now be G) Captain Fruit and his Fruity Bike, fruitin’ it up down a busy street.

The miracle of Easter comes more than once a year, apparently. To celebrate, GWiMMRN:

A) The dead little birdy’s big, fat cock, which has somehow pumped life back into the little birdy, but the thing now looks like a large, feathered penis with a beak
B) The utter horror of finding a large, feathered penis trying to force its way between your lips in your sleep
C) A Rice Bowl: when you find little grains of undigested rice in your stool the morning after a meal of brown rice
D) The two fateful words every little bird learns to say
E) A co-worker who has raised standing around with his thumb up his ass to an art form worthy of performance in the Louvre
F) A great big soul kiss from your mystery date for the evening: this surprised looking turd
G) A small blob of chewed Watermellon Bubblisious (sic) I found under the desk
H) A big, fat cock

See if you sheep-shearers can guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A dead little bird.
B) A dead little bird.
C) A dead little bird.
D) The horror of finding the little bird dead in his cage this morning.
E) A dead little bird.
F) A dead little bird.
G) A dead little bird.
H) The DIAGNOSIS: The little bird’s big, fat cock was too large. It cut off the circulation to his brain. At least, that’s what I comfort myself with.

UPDATE: Dead little birdy.

Cheep cheep! The little bird says “Suck it.” YOU MUST OBLIGE.

Now, after OBLIGING, GWiMMRN:

A) The little bird my wife and I saved from a cat.
B) The fact that when I saw the scene of a cat torturing that little bird, I thought, “That’s a shame” and I rooted for the cat.
C) Del Monte baby food served through an eye-dropper.
D) The incredible amount of baby food a little bird will consume.
E) The incredible amount of baby bird poop a baby bird will poop.
F) The stick, which is taped to a bar stool, that the little bird is perched upon in order to simulate the “tree experience.”
G) My finger, which the little bird sits upon for his daily flying lessons (See, while the little bird is perched there, you wave your hand up and down, so the little birdie stretches his wings in a flying motion trying to hang on. This, supposedly, teaches him to use his wings).
H) The little birdy’s enormously huge big, fat cock, which must’ve acted like an anchor that pulled him from his nest in the first place.

I’ve seen it: the fat ass. The denim trousers that threaten to cut off the circulation. It’s all bad. Have some pride, bitch. Nobody needs to see that. Guess, sweetheart, what’s in my mouth right now. This edition’s for the ladies:

A) The song, “Fat man shittin’ on a little stool, takes the money from my hand while his dick takes a rub all over you…leans in real close…whispers ‘good fuck’…”
B) A big Hebrew National hot dog with mustard, nestled into a nice hot roll
C) Something G.DiL. doesn’t want you to read
D) Soft, smelly chunks of things with frosting
E) The horribly soiled Depends of the celebrity wedding dress-hungry brides-to-be after the 25th hour of Last Bride Standing
F) A horribly soiled big, fat cock