Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

I have found a koan that will bring you instant enlightenment and give you the ability to properly FOCUS instead of bitching about what I put in my mouth. This koan can be pictured thusly:

Happily, it has been in my mouth for some time.

MY PENIS NEVER HAD A BAD DAY IN HIS LIFE.

MY PENIS IS TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED.

MY PENIS IS ALL THE HOT DOG YOU’LL NEED AT THE COMPANY PICNIC.

ACTUARIAL TABLES REVEAL THAT MY PENIS IS AT GREAT RISK OF PENETRATING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S HAIRY LIL’ SNATCHEROO.

MY PENIS IS THE PAPAL BULL.

NUNS PRAY FOR MY PENIS.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

FOCUS.

Guess:

A) Chocolate peanut-corn pudding

UPDATE:

There’s a lot you don’t know, bub.

GWiMMRN:

A) Loo chat.
B) Conspiracy Theory, with everyone’s favorite anti-semite.
C) 77 hot Bavarian Cream Pies.
D) Paranoia the Destroya.
E) The fact that My Mouth is your only option left, which isn’t really a conspiracy so much as a truism.
F) A really and truly disgusting MySpace profile which will be sure to prompt the Feds to close the Internet down for good.
G) My big, fat Greek wedding cock.

MY PENIS IS A VITAL PART OF THE WAR ON TERROR.

MY PENIS COMES ONLY IN ONE FLAVOR: HUGE.

YOUR EXIT INTERVIEW CONSISTS OF INTENSE SUCKING ON MY PENIS.

MY PENIS WAS THERE AT IWO JIMA.

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, MY PENIS.

JOHN 3:16 SAYS, MY PENIS SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT IT GAVE ONE OF ITS THICK, HOT, AND SALTY BLASTS ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

To be in my mouth, or not to be in my mouth. That is the question:

A) The words, “I would just like to add that I just ate a whole shit load of whole wheat pasta and I have a lasting feeling of fullness. *frrpt*” which may be the meanest thing ever said on the internet
B) An ethereal, gossamer pubic hair lovingly plucked from the mons of an angel
C) Hot pie
D) Helen Thomas
E) Camel Toe
F) Caramel Toe
G) A burka
H) Tiny Tim’s headstone, which I told my wife has a button on it that when pressed, plays his sickening falsetto of “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” and she believed me
I) Tiny Tim’s big, fat cock

UPDATE:

UPDATE UPDATE: The answer may now be J) A MySpace Profile.

It’ll soon be here!

GWiMMRN:

A) Something better than before.
B) Yesterday.
C) That time when I just went for it.
D) The ripple effect you get when you tickle the shriveled horse testicle looking Star Jones Reynolds.
E) A Presidential Pardon for all the sickening, disgusting, just plan awful things I’ve written on this website.
F) How Satan doesn’t really take Presidential Pardons into consideration when thinking up a real good eternal torture for you.
G) Muh-muh-muh-hah-hah-hah-muh-muh-muh-mud A-aaa!aaali.
H) A big, fuh-fuh-fuh-fat cock.

Our long, national nightmare is about to end. GWiMMRN:

A) The night they drove old Dixie down.
B) Na na na na na na na na.
C) Grateful, wet, slobbery, semen stained kisses.
D) The guy picking his nose in line for all the world to see.
E) The dread that this guy will be a medical doctor and that he’ll pick his nose with his surgical gloved hands right there in the operating room before your open heart surgery.
F) The reason why the Good Lord in His infinite wisdom gave women foreheads.
G) A big, fat cock.

UPDATE: Why is this man smiling?

Why? Because if you are DEFENDING, you are, by definition, LOSING.

The lesson to be learned? Strike first, strike hard, no mercy SIR!

Also, remember that there is no mouth but My Mouth. Guess:

A) Ralph “suck first, suck hard, no mercy sir” Macchio.
B) Flapflapflap.
C) The words, “Why are you here?”
D) The Gonads.
E) Precious little time left.
F) Kurt Vonnegut, who survived the bombing of Dresden by the dreaded Twatwaffles.
G) A green pen that writes in green ink.
H) A big, fat cock.

UPDATE: If you only see three “f”’s in this post, you are going to be in big, big trouble come sundown, bub.

Hey, you! Yes, you. Stop tongue-fighting for the last execrescence in Kurt Vonnegut’s hot, irritated ass crack with Deroy Murdock, “Patron Saint” of GWiMMRN and guess what’s in my mouth right now!

A) A frozen breakfast treat made from M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C., which is that pussy-flavored drink that you add milk to like Ovaltine
B) Twatwaffles
C) The golden elixir often carried on buses by this semi-homeless guy that non-homeless people carry temporarily in their bladders
D) Predictable outrage and anger over disrespectful remarks
E) Shit-shampoo and a one-two fruit punch
F) Something that isn’t either disgusting or intangible
G) A tasty dessert
H) A big, fat burgercock

Remember when GWiMMRN had editions, like they were installments of a news program? Well, those days are back.

Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) Jam.
B) Ham.
C) Jelly.
D) Pork.
E) A wee bit of constipation accompanied by some unusually hard and jagged turds.
F) That fat kid.
G) An unusually gay day.
H) Blood, for oil.
I) A big, fat ham out.

UPDATE:

Welcome to the Monquckey House, Mr. Vonnegut! Are you ready for your processing?

Excellent. And now, guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) A w-4, with sperm all over it.
B) Breakfast of Champions.
C) A migrant farmworker family.
D) Enough perfume to power a DC-10.
E) V… for “suck it.”
F) A freshly minted big fat cock.

I’m sure it’s meaningful, but fucked if I know exactly why. Anyway, it’s time for you to do what you were born to do: GWiMMRN:

A) The two nuggets of shit I turtled out into my shorts this morning
B) A fat kid
C) Visceral disgust at the most popular eatery on the planet
D) Something that’s supposed to look tasty but ain’t and I like meat and bread and cheese as much as the next man
E) That horrible fucking goopy shit they put on burgers at these fast food joints that looks like snot or semen or slime or a mixture of all three that’s supposed to taste good but makes me sick to my stomach I mean what the fuck is wrong with tasting meat and bread and cheese for fuck’s sake why do you have to splurt on some kind of manufactured “special sauce” which isn’t special at all but just a conglomeration of nasty ingredients and chemicals that look about as appetizing as the mucus spat out of an old man’s emphysema-raddled lungs
F) French fries, which I don’t eat any more but miss just about every damned day
G) Fast-food stream-of-consciousness bleating
H) A tasty Hebrew National hot dog in a mass-produced hot dog bun with mustard
I) A big, fat special sauce-swathed cockteaser

Good morning, sunshine!

GWiMM:

A) Brian DePalma’s latest
B) Parakeet feet
C) Secret knowledge
D) Used ben-wa balls, viciously seized from Nicole Ritchie’s calloused, balding cunny
E) A parrot without a beak
F) Glistening, yellowish clots
G) Abortion Scampi
H) A big, fat monckey cock

Shot on location in DEEPEST, DARKEST Africa is GWiMMRN’s first movie:

GWiMMRN, The Movie