Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

RAGE! Rage against the dying of the light!

But before you do that, guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) Robert Frost’s erectile dysfunction, which led to his untimely death at age 114.
B) Robert Frost’s horse, who not only thought it “queer” that they stopped in the woods in the middle of a snowy night, but also that Robert Frost was a flamboyant homosexual.
C) The little fantasy land that I have retreated into for the past few weeks.
D) Time, which has no meaning here.
E) Swords and sorcerers and elves and witches and mermaids and unicorns and a dozen inflatable fuck dolls.
F) More pain than you can shake a stick at.
G) A big, fat 499th cock.

All of you in the occupied territories: listen up. Put down the Campbell’s Hotgag and pick up your keyboards, because it’s time to GWiMMRN:

A) A great deal of uncalled-for hostility, wrapped in a sickening package
B) The sad fact that Larry “Bud” Melman wasn’t the least bit amusing until this website began to make horrible mock of him
C) The yellowish coating scraped off of that guy’s tongue over there, sort of mustard-colored and grainy
D) A blast from the past: everything but the walnut-sized testicles of Miles, the Cat with Testicles the Size of Walnuts
E) The Song of Solomon, sung to that faggot tranny who hangs out by the train station and blows strangers for bus tokens
F) A man’s thigh bearing the unmistakable red scrape of a 5 o’clock-shadowed cheek upon it
G) A zipper with little bits of torn cock-flesh and driblets of blood caught in the teeth
H) A big, fat, scarred cock

Yes, I’m re-using an old joke. Don’t like it?

FUCK YOU.

Okay? FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU.

Just shut the fuck up already and guess what’s in my fucking mouth right now, you little fucking ASSHOLES.

A) Hotgag, which is a new soup from Campbell’s
B) The secret recipe for Hotgag, which I’m not at liberty to describe, but can tell you includes a gone-over tuna casserole; an ounce of brine shrimp testes; and Larry “Bud” Melman’s thick, glutinous semen
C) A feather duster
D) A French Maid (ohhhhh *spppppurrrrtttt!!*)
E) ungh ungh ungh WHATSTHEMATTERWITHME *sssssspprrrtttt*
F) don’tlookatthisoneshesallmine ohhh *sppurrtt!!!!!*
G) A penis-flavored cupcake
H) An occipital lobe
I) A big, fat cockeroooooooooooooo

We’re Manheim Steamrolling right towards a X-Massy oblivion. What stands in the way between you and certain doom at the claws of enraged gerbils?

My Mouth and Guessing What’s in My Mouth Right Now, of course!

So, knuckle up to the bar you wet-behind-the-ears primates and GWiMMRN:

A) 500 unread “Left Behind” books sitting on a shelf in the Plains, Iowa Wal-Mart.
B) 499 suck-asses all cheering for the same sports team.
C) 498 chipmunks writhing in agony.
D) 497 lb weight currently tied to my enormous testicles.
E) A big, fat cock.

UPDATE:

Not really.

GWiMMRN:

A) The “Beave.”
B) The Islamo-Fascist Jihad I left in the toilet yesterday around 12:45 p.m.
C) A way too long fart deposited at a fancy dinner party.
D) “Well, according to the New Yorker, Sy Hersh says that Iran is” *frrrrpppPPRRRRpptptptpt!* “o boy.”
E) The last square of toilet paper in all of Asia.
F) A see-through slicker.
G) A totally transparent big fat cock.

Alrighty mighty cocksuckers! Time for an educational redeployment:

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

Now that’s out of the way, GWiMMRN:

A) Too much time on my hands.
B) The tender mercies Larry “Bud” Melman gave to the live kitten he pulled out of his rectum on last night’s David Letterman Show.
C) Sweets for the sweet.
D) Shit for the shit-asses.
E) A horribly fucked up rendition of the Canadian national anthem.
F) HOTSAUCE!
G) A big fat cock.

I’m tired of the lack of focusing.

Other than that, I’ve got as much energy as a hummingbird on Benzedrine after it’s eaten an entire slice of really good hot dog cake.

GUESS:

A) A very tasty 14 oz. sirloin cooked to medium-rare perfection, a mediocre caprese salad, Lyonnaise potatoes with crispy skin, and a delicious flourless chocolate-espresso cake with a dollop of vanilla ice cream
B) The fact that it’s 12 hours after such a meal, and my digestive tract has yet to make the slightest inroad into disintegrating it: it is sitting in my stomach exactly the way it did last night after I ate it
C) *brrrrrrrp*
D) *prrp* *frrrrippp*
E) *brrrrrrRRRRRRrrowwwwwp*
F) Katie Couric’s colonoscopy camera, not the least bit washed off after its harrowing “trip”
G) Mushy tomatoes, substandard mozzarella, and not enough basil
H) A big, fat cockoscopy

Stop talking to me Stop talking to me Stop talking to me Stop talking to me just stop it.

GWiMMRN:

A) Some guy asking me why I’m wearing blue today.
B) My reply, “‘Cause it’s gonna be the color of your face when I’m through with you, buddy boy.”
C) Dungarees.
D) A Horn of Plenty.
E) That time when Larry “Bud” Melman walked on-stage on The David Letterman Show and pulled a live kitten out of his ass.
F) A Big Fat C***.

Jes*s FUCKING Chr*st Al-fucking-m*ghty, what’s wrong with you g*ddamned fuckfaces? Can’t you FOCUS?

Here’s another opportunity for you to show your g*ddamned fucking quality, or lack of it. GWiMMRN:

A) M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C.
B) Wedding cake
C) M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C.
D) Wedding cake
E) M.U.L.T.U.M.E.S.C.
F) Wedding cake
G) Watermellon Bubblisious
H) Watermellon Bubblisious
I) Watermellon Bubblisious
J) A big, fat cock

TFB.

GWiMMRN:

A) Spinach. That’s right. SPINACH.
B) The Ninth Gate.
C) The frequently overlooked yet still very deadly 4th Gate.
D) A too tight powder blue t-shirt.
E) America’s Next Top Model.
F) America’s Next Top Model Sore Loser.
G) A whole buncha things normal people shouldn’t care about.
H) The New Fall Television Schedule.
I) A big, fat, overcooked, screechy cock.

It’s not even Sunday afternoon yet, and I’m ready to crawl under my bed and never emerge again. You know why? It’s because I realize that none of you fuckchops can FOCUS, will ever FOCUS, or give enough of a shit to try to FOCUS.

I soldier on.

Guess. What’s in my mouth right…

Hold on…

NOW! GO, GO, GO!

A) The really awesome shits I’ve been taking, I mean huge and satisfying, leaving me six pounds lighter as I stroll away from the commode with my hands in my pockets and a big grin for the world to see
B) A candy cane gobbled out of a bushbuck’s dingus like a stripy catheter
C) All of cyberspace except for this website, which is too digusting to put in anyone’s mouth, let alone mine (oooo, the DEFECATIONS!)
D) A wall
E) Oatmeal cottage cheese pancakes, which aren’t so bad actually
F) Creamed caramel corn, which is just as disgusting as you’d think it would be
G) My own itchy taint, which I surreptitiously scratched several times last night to the sound of rustling ass hairs
H) A big, fat cock

Shiver my timbers!

GWiMMRN:

A) Tree bark, or what women in the woods use for a tampon.
B) Popeye, the cockgobbling pirate.
C) A bag of fresh spinach.
D) E Coli left from the “special sauce” Popeye leaves/jerks off in every bag of fresh spinach in America.
E) Olive Oyl’s incredibly thin snatch.
F) Suffering Succotash.
G) A big fat spinach filled cock.

UPDATE: The answer could now be H) The fresh bagged spinach sale at your local supermarket. Price reduced! 75% off!

Oh YES, I see you now. I know what you’re thinking about. I know what you’re up to. You’re thinking, I’m just going to write what I want in these comments, and to hell with all this FOCUSING shit.

Fuck that.

Guess, God damn you. Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) An entire internet chat room
B) Urine stain remover, for those built-in stains you just can’t get out when you’re a semi-homeless man who carries bottles of piss on the bus, trying to fool all of us that it’s apple juice
C) A hot clot of snot sucked directly from the nostril of a pneumonia-suffering nonagenarian
D) A small twinge of anxiety with a soupcon of anticipation
E) Cold soup, but not gazpacho
F) Everything that isn’t in my mouth right now (Ooooo! The cockgobbling implications!)
G) A big, fat cockgobble

UPDATE: HOT SOUP, COMING THROUGH!

Well, that hasn’t happened in a while!

OKAY! I’ve scooped all this up from the floor and stuffed everything back in My Mouth, so Tuesday’s choices are still a go!

GWiMMRN!

The burden of placing things in my mouth and permitting you to guess what they may be isn’t one I take up lightly. At times, I suffer. All I ask of you is that you guess. I just want you to FOCUS. Instead, I get whining and faux-outrage and a big fat waste of my time. So this time, I’ve put one of your non-FOCUSING comments into my mouth, and I want you to fucking figure the fuck out which fucking one it is:

A) POOPY POOPY POOOOOPY!
B) My GOITER!
C) Untasted llama testicles
D) A freshly-published fart
E) Annie Potts’s outtake from the film Ghostbusters: “Heh-loh? Ghohst-buhstuhs. Wanna watch my tits flop around? Huh? Heh-loh?”
F) Whining about how disgusting H) is
G) A painting of Leonardo da Vinci sucking Jesus off while fondling Satan’s balls
H) *BBBBBBLLLLLORRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP*
I) A big, fat cock wearing a monocle so it can FOCUS