Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

I keep threatening it and threatening it and one day I’ll pull the plug on this damned website and then where will you be? It will be the Living End for all of you.

You think this is easy? I’m doing all of this FOR YOU. I stuff things in my mouth and all you have to do — for an easy shot at redemption and salvation — is for you to guess what’s in there. It’s so simple a BLIND PERSON could do it.

So, here it is, maybe your last chance. GWiMMRN:

A) A badly burned earlobe from answering the iron when the phone rang.
B) A dog leash with no dog attached.
C) Corduroy, which is Helen Keller’s favourite color.
D) Burnt fingers from reading the waffle iron.
E) Helen Keller’s dog, which is named “Urghrrghrghr.”
F) A big, fat blind one eyed trouser snake.

It’s never too early for spring cleaning!

GWiMMRN:

A) Dust bunnies.
B) Playboy bunnies.
C) The 10 a.m. coffee shits.
D) Dirigidibibbles.
E) Lots of stuff I have no need for but some how have accumulated a shit load of.
F) A morass of ass.
G) A big fat doofus penis cock thing whatever.

Yes, the Thanksgiving Day Fiasco 2006 was all that was cracked up to be. Truly a train-wreck of gastronomical proportions. Now, the wreckage. Guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) That Uncle Ned managed to get the whole turkey, piping hot from the oven, half-way up his ass before we caught him.
B) That after we forceably extracted the hot turkey from his bleeding and badly, badly burned rectum, we forgot which end of the turkey was up his ass.
C) Some unpleasant joking around the table about whether we were eating the “Uncle Ned” end of the turkey.
D) The blood and pubic hair all over my plate, which answered my question.
E) That all the drugs produced by Astrazeneca could not erase my memory of that Day.
F) Uncle Ned’s very insincere apology, especially after he spent 45 minutes berating himself for not thinking to use the turkey gravey as a lubricant.
G) A big, fat cock.

Don’t be a spectator when it comes to guessing what’s in my mouth right now.

Exercise your rights and what’s left of your integrity and GWiMMRN:

A) Uncooked turkey gibbblets.
B) The song, “My balls, my balls, my balls are on fire. We don’t need no water let the m*th*rf*ck*r burn!”
C) Bactine!
D) Cranberry sauce, but instead of cranberries, it’s made entirely of vegetable oil and uncooked turkey gibbblets.
E) That hair that sits on your keyboard like an unwanted child left at school after their parents forgot to pick them up from soccer practice.
F) Inflammable flappables.
G) A big, fat c*ck.

Don’t doubt the awesome power of My Mouth. Don’t doubt it for a second. And this Thanksgiving Day 2006, you will know the power of My Mouth because… because… because… because of all the wonderful things it does!

GWiMMRN:

A) The Buddha’s balls, all golden and glowing.
B) The Fart of the Century, which took place around 3:45 p.m. yesterday after a whole lot of spinach dip.
C) The Sacred Cow hidden in each McDonald’s Big Mac.
D) Sod.
E) DoCtURd iNFIniTy! and his recent scifi-majikal trip to Uranus.
F) *ungh ungh ungh!* special sauce *whew*
G) A big fat winning cock.

We here at the offices of GWiMMRN, Inc. are anticipating a Monumental Thanksgiving Day Fiasco for this Thanksgiving Day 2006. In anticipation of this horrible event, guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) Last year’s Thanksgiving Day Fiasco.
B) All the horrible things that happened after Thanksgiving 2005.
C) Tits.
D) A National Conversation about ___________ [insert your tongue here).
E) A big fiasco cock.

MY PENIS WILL COMPOUND YOUR WIFE’S CUNT DAILY.

LET’S HAVE A NATIONAL CONVERSATION ABOUT MY PENIS.

MY PENIS IS HERE TO STAY.

R.S.V.P. STANDS FOR “SUCK MY ROCK HARD PENIS.”

THE LEFT SIDE OF MY PENIS IS AS PRETTY AS THE RIGHT SIDE.

MY BALLS ARE AMBIDEXTROUS.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

It’s true, you know. All of it.

Guess what’s in my mouth right now.

A) 70% coverage when a certain someone told me it would be 100%.
B) The wily hog-cats of southwestern Alabama.
C) Meoink! Meoink!
D) The fine line between being lied to and being told something that wasn’t true.
E) Chocolate-Macadamia Nut Coffee that tastes like boiled dog foreskins mushed through Alabama Pete’s dirty backdoor windowscreen and swizzled through the the only two teeth Pete’s got left in his disgustingly neglected unbrushed gingivitis-infested mouth.
F) Sophisticated surveillance pictures of you and yours.
G) Veg.
H) A big fat surveilled cock.

UPDATE: The answer is probably I) The unexpected and very welcome return of lola, whose new puppy will probably provide the closest thing to unconditional love and affection that she’ll ever get. Hope all continues to go well in the life of GWiMMRN’s first loyal and most beloved reader.

*urp*

GWiMMRN:

A) A headache.
B) The thought, “It’s so fucking HOT in here.”
C) Nausea, and not the pleasant kind.
D) Arm-pit sweats, not mine.
E) A weird smell, like nail polish mixed with horrible body odor.
F) A big fat cheese covered cock.

*hunh!*

GWiMMRN:

A) Red Meat.
B) Cigarettes.
C) Smoked pork tenderloin with Chlamydia Surprise.
D) The itchies on my down-there.
E) A major malfunction.
F) A teary asshole.
G) A teary big fat c.o.c.k.

Yes, today is a Federal holiday. Today, we celebrate Vitamins Day. So, as a salute to our nation’s vitamins, guess what vitamin is in my mouth right now.

A) Vitamin A.
B) Vitamin B.
C) Vitamin H.
D) Vitamin ungh ungh ungh.
E) Ulysees S. Grant.
F) Vitamin T.
G) Vitamin BFC.

Welcome to the monkeyshit house. GWiMMRN:

A) Artemis P. Bunghole, Esq., Attorney at Large.
B) A butt-choking amount of fecal matter.
C) A WHOLE FUCKING STEAMROLLER JAMMED UP THE ASS OF [insert your name here].
D) A feeling that I’m disrespected everywhere I go.
E) Fake pain.
F) An 800 smackeroo gold onlay.
G) A big fat cockeroo.

I have been elected for a record 2,000,000,000,000nd term in OFFICE. Never underestimate the power of incumbency.

Despite my overwhelming victory, you are still all sinners in the eyes of My Mouth. Salvation is only possible by guessing what’s in my mouth right now.

So, don’t sit there passively looking for a hand-out. GO GUESS:

A) Short gasps of breath.
B) A pain in my chest.
C) My left arm going numb.
D) Sweating; profuse, profuse sweating.
E) A buckling of the knees.
F) The Cause.
G) A big, fat cock.

Forget about political parties or candidates or ballot iss-hues or any of that crap. They don’t matter. All that matters in this world is what is in my mouth right now.

Today, vote for My Mouth. You will not be disappointed.

GWiMMRN:

A) That fruity guy at the voting place with his too-big suit and his miniture testicles.
B) 30 minutes of non-stop BJ’s at WSUX -Indiana.
C) A long brown stick sliding into a hot hot hole.
D) The nickel slots.
E) Bananarama and their platinum blonde pubes.
F) The song lyrics, “I’m your penis, I’m your fire, at your desire.”
G) A trip down memory lane.
H) Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh-fish.
I) The Man from F.I.S.H.
J) A big, fat fishcock.

MY PENIS IS ON A ROLL.

DEVOUT CATHOLIC NUNS RECITE MY PENIS CHAPTER AND VERSE.

MY SECRETARY IS TAKING HUGE SLURPING GULPS OF THE POWER LUNCH EMITTING FROM MY PENIS.

SLOPPY SECONDS DISAMBIGUATE YOUR PLACE IN THE PECKING ORDER.

SWEETLY TONGUING EACH BLUE VEIN IN MY PENIS IS A NOT A VALUE ADDED COMMODITY — IT IS AN EXPECTED CORE COMPETENCY.

MY PENIS IS GAINING TRACTION INSIDE YOUR WIFE’S BLEACHED ANUS.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.