Guess What’s in My Mouth Right Now

That’s right.  I said “turkey gravey.”  Get over yourself and just guess what’s in my mouth right now:

A) SotU

B) Babisiosis

C) Orecchiete

D) Bidet

E) Elephant

F) Big, fat cock

MY PENIS AND MY BALLS FORM A TRIPTYCH.

MY PENIS WANTS TO PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME, PARTY ALL THE TIME.

MY PENIS DID NOT START IT, BUT HE SURE AS HELL WILL FINISH IT.

IF SOFIA LOREN WERE ALIVE, SHE WOULD BE SCRAMBLING FOR MY PENIS.

MY PENIS WILL NOT BACK DOWN.

MY PENIS IS IMPERVIOUS TO THE RECESSION.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

IGNORANCE OF MY PENIS IS NO EXCUSE.

MY PENIS IS A TASTY DESTINATION.

YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND IN MY PENIS.

MY PENIS FORCED THE BRITISH TO SURRENDER AT YORKTOWN.

MY PENIS IS THE PERMANENT GUEST HOST ON THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW.

YOUR POTENTIAL.  OUR PASSION.  MY PENIS.

MY PENIS IS A CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY.

No complaints about your treatment or concerns about your LIFE-CHANGING EVENTS.  You will be tempted to express concerns, whine, etc.

DON’T.

Rather, guess what’s in my mouth right now.  It’s the name of the site, shitcake:

A) ? with little sprinkles of ?

B) Betrayal

C) Warm, runny scrambled eggs with shells in them

D) A food tray, plucked from a convict’s broken skull after an argument over who’s going to wash feces off of whose AIDS-infected penis

E) A really important lesbian

F) Instructional video

G) A big, fat, SHIT-COVERED cock

If you have a problem with my ball hairs getting caught in your teeth all the time, then I just don’t know what to tell you.

 Say it loud, and say it proud: I CAN I CAN I CAN focus.  GWiMMRN:

A)  Vigorous typing sounds.

B)  A warm, blue-sky-day that reminds you Spring is just around the corner.

C)  Bitter, bitter disappointment, followed closely by agonizing punishment.

D)  The truth about the UFOs.

E)  The play I had a chance to see but didn’t, and now I wish I had seen it when I had the chance, even though it probably would’ve kinda sucked and it was an expensive ticket.

F)  A big fat Spock cock.

PROPULSION is the name of the game.  PROPEL yourself into a new realm of FOCUSING by guessing wimmrn:

A) That guy in the next stall over at the movie theater restroom getting a blumpkin

B) Notes on shaving your own balls

C) A gallon of cucumber wine

D) Catt “Shitt” Sadler’s sadd little feelings of loneliness

E) A saucer of warm, slimy, pulpy gobs and strands

F) MADM: Mothers Against Drunk Masturbating

G) The house

H) The big, fat cock

UPDATE: The answer may now be I) A life-size replica of the robot from Lost in Space with a life-size anus filled with calf’s liver warmed to a perfect 98.6 degrees, available for only $24,500.00

For everyday floor cleaning, try getting naked, moistening your twat with “lube,” doing a split, and sliding over and over on the floor, using your heels as propulsion.

And now, GWiMMRN:

A)  Incompletely filled out forms held in big gray binders at the local tax office.

B)  Doin’ the ol’ 23 skidoo.

C)  A bag-full of home-made pierogis.

D)  A woman with a normal-sized head but with facial features that were small and exactly centered in the middle of her face, so it looked weird, but she was alright looking anyway.

E)  The woman’s product, “Wet-Moments,” which I don’t know what it is for or if it really exists, but it sounds like a woman’s product, or at least should be.

F)  Ingvar Kamprad’s big, fat cock, five hours worth and so deep it tickled the bottom of my stomach.

I’ve taken some time to visit my favorite celebrities so that I can put things relating to them into my mouth.  Guess, you FUCKERS, which one or two they might be:

A) Brad Renfro’s chocolate starfish, filled with strawberry ice cream (the kind with real bits of strawberry in it that get all icy)

B) All the pills Heath Ledger didn’t eat

C) Scarrllett Johhannssssonn’s wedding cake topper, repurposed as Larry “Bud” Melman’s last butt plug

D) Britney Spears’s menses-stained tights:

E) A big, fat cock

A new version of my MOUTH is available!  PLEASE UPDATE NOW.

Then guess:

A) A question about your salary requirements

B) The shocking words: “Ssssssssssssssss… (this is the sound of me releasing my cunt-stink) … ssssssssssssssS”

C) The Case of the Damp Depends and Perennially Bitchy Demeanor

D) The chipped fingernail I found stuck in my balloon knot, if you know what I’m saying

E) The little red dot denoting that something’s recording

F) Ecology!

G) That strange girl who lived in that ramshackle house a few blocks away who let me “kiss it” in the broom closet after the “Up With People” meeting

H) The little red bump on that big, fat cock

Oh, donut time is nigh, my little bottle-openers.  The donut is IN.  THE.  OVEN.  It’s piping hot and ready to go.  But this isn’t really about donuts, is it?  No no, my barf-bag concertos, this isn’t about donuts AT ALL.

Guess, what’s, in, my, mouth, right, now,

A)  Gustav Mahler’s “Dickwibbling Concerto for Flutes.”

B)  Martha Reeves and the Shot-Rag Choir.

C)  Donuts… or Africa?

D)  Joyce DeWitt, whom I thought was the one who died recently, because somehow I got her mixed up with Suzanne Somers and Suzanne Pleshette.  See, Joyce DeWitt and Suzanne Pleshette look alike, and, well, never mind.

E)  The great Irish memoirist, Shanky McFuckchops.

F)  A, big, fat, c,o,c,k,

It’s a GWiMMRN world.  Welcome.

Now guess, fuckhead.

A) A brutal fisting with month-old mayonnaise as the lubricant

B) Three diamond rings with bits of rectal skin, prostate shavings, and blood stuck in the fitting

C) Hot cheese

D) Donald Trump’s coif, not unlike the adorable little ass hairs in the chocolate starfish of Camryn Manheim

E) Potato pancakes, all crispy and oniony and hot for Hanukkah

F) Badger balls, all chewy and salty and cold for Kwanzaa

G) A big, fat coque

I work so hard, and this is the thanks I get.  Non-focusing.  Nobody cares.  I don’t know why I bother.  I DON’T KNOW.

But I’m bothering now, because I have a MISSION.  To put things in my mouth and to have you guess what they might or might not be.  So do what you’ve been told to do, and guess:

A) An accident

B) An “on-purpose”

C) The butterfly I have trained to land on my penis when it is erect and drink the “nectar” from the tip

D) An Indian sweat lodge, sans Injuns

E) A happy child

F) The color BROWN

G) A Happy Meal™

H) A big, fat COCK

Look.

Look.

The lack of FOCUSing on this website is unbelievable.  There’s so little focusing that even if you tried to NOT focus, you’d be doing a better job.  You think you’re funny, or cute?  This isn’t about your job, your pins and needles.  It’s not about Miles, the cat with testicles the size of walnuts (MIA).  It’s not about what happened before, or what’s outraging you NOW.  It’s about WHAT’S IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW.

So guess.  Guess!  GUESS!  GUESS, FOR SHIT’S SAKE, ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?

A) A hockey game

B) A beverage

C) A meal

D) A friend

E) A brother

F) A big, fat cock

Aloysius Snuffleupagus would be very proud if you would count to 10 before doing anything RASH.  By RASH, I mean not focusing.

GWiMMRN:

A)  The Final Countdown.

B)  Lunch, not Launch!

C)  My soft pendulums.

D)  Fun that can be had by all.

E)  I said big fat cock, not big fat cock!

It’s the Hump Day!  Get over that fucking hump and GWiMM!

Right…

Now!

A) A three-times used Pussy in a Cup, none of those “usages” performed while wearing a condom

B) Chicken in a pot, chicken in a pot

C) Bertha’s favorite watering hole

D) Flobble

E) The pathos-filled exclamation, “Uh oh.  Here comes the milk. *ssssppppiiiirrrrrtttttt*”

F) A universal remote shat upon by a colicky infant

G) A T-bone steak

H) A b__, __t, _o__

UPDATE: The answer is NOT I) This depressed-looking turd after a wild night with Larry “Bud” Melman and his chihuahua-like barks at the onset of ejaculation: